Don't Drink and Design (covers)

If you drink and drive, the ghostly face of Elizabeth Taylor will appear and and her eyeball will be in your steering wheel. Like it's not hard enough to concentrate on the road!

Hey, at least her hands are at the 10 and 2!

Thanks, Awful Library Books!

Happy Phriday!

Is everyone looking forward to the weekend? Probably not as much as this guy:



As if him being butt naked on the cover wasn't enough, phallicky images still abound on this cover: her ears, her tail, and of course those tentacles!! Creepy -- if I were her, I'd be worrying about what those tentacles were up to! For the guys, we have a lovely side-boob, and I think the moon is meant to be a mammary symbol too. Two questions. First, what is wrong with his fingers? They're... creepy. Second, why is she still wearing her watch?


Next, we have a look back to a time when creepy old scientists gently held their telescopes in the presence of their young ... proteges. The protege looks clearly uncomfortable. What's less clear is what that is on his arm. A band-aid? Or a weird European tribal tattoo?


Finally, while this certainly doesn't meet the requirements of a Phriday post, it made me laugh out loud. Seriously loud. My coworker in the next office came over to see if I'd snapped. (Maybe I have, but I still think the cover is hilarious!)



Why is Scotty's head floating in space? Is he supposed to be a character in addition to the co-author? Even still, WHY IS HIS ENORMOUS HEAD FLOATING IN SPACE???? I also love the "special" effect ($5.99) of that ship blowing up, or growing a purple star, or... whatever.

TGIF!

I know I suck

Yes, it's been a while. I'm busy trying to get things in my life together (never fun!). I'm working for kgb_, the text answering service. Got a question? Text 542542. I'm making half as much as I made at the library (and a third as much as I made at the library in Illinois, yay unions!) but having a lot of fun. I'm also creating beautiful works of art that can be yours for the low price of not $99, not $55, but EIGHT DOLLARS EACH! Check out my etsy store!

And finally, I'd like to thank...squeeeeeeeeeeek....

More Phucked Up than Phallic

Okay, this is kinda phallic, so it's appropriate for posting on Phallic Phriday. But that is the only way in which it is appropriate.

Let me allow Alissa, who submitted the cover to judgeabook@yahoo.com, to set it up for you:

My day job actually involves getting librarians to judge books by covers as I sell books, but bring only a stack of book covers with me. Imagine my surprise when I was sorting this month's covers and came across the book Dead Pet by Andrew Kirk. My first thought that it must be some sort of sick joke book, but this is not a humor book, but a book meant to give tips on a dignified send-off for a deceased pet. The cover, therefore, is completely baffling.

Hmmmm, dignified send-off, eh? Let's take a look at this cover!



Yeaaaaaaaaah. That's as dignified as heckling the president. Maybe more so?

Vote for ME!!!

Vote here for me. I'm nominated in the Special Interest Category. More Mammaries and Phalluses for everyone!

Time for Phalluses

From the adorable Rex Parker comes this gem:

Behold! His Priday Phallus is so bold and magical everyone must shade their eyes! "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Lend me your..." Yeah, you get where I'm going.

Bellybutton Baen Day

What comes between Mammary Monday and Phallic Phriday? Bellybutton Baen Day, of course! Those of you who are new readers may not be familiar with the special place in our hearts we reserve for Baen covers. In fact, I typically assume that when I see a crazy sci-fi cover that it's gonna be a Baen. So I pooped round to Baen's website today, to see what kind of groovy crazy shit we can see today. Welcome, once again, to the wacky world of Baen!



He's holding something, but I don't think it's made of stone! Let's count the phallic images, shall we? We've got the sword, the castle in the background, the broken stumpy thing in the background, even the little old man's head looks kinda phallicky. Am I missing any?

Is anyone else thinking, "jump jump jump jump"? Quick question: How long do you think an unprotected human can last in the dead of space? No, I'm sorry Douglas Adams, the answer is not almost thirty seconds. Your blood would boil long before that. Cats, on the other hand, can last indefinitely. It's one of their little known evil powers.

And finally, a perfect example of why Baen gets its own day in between Mammary Monday and Phallic Phriday. Mammaries and phallicies in the same cover--SCORE! Okay, so it's not so much the painted-on suits or the chubby guns that have fascinated me about this cover. Rather, it's the fishbowl that she's clutching. They can paint on body armor suitable for space, but you still need a bubble-head helmet? Guess she doesn't want to mush her '90s perm.

On zee Continent Zey Adore zee Mammary Mondays

Faithful reader Paolo F. sends us this gem from Italy. Heck, I can't read it*, I'll let him explain!

Behold in all its HD glory the cover of the first Italian edition of"QUINTO PIANETA" by Fred Hoyle(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifth_Planet), Feltrinelli editions,circa 1966.

Translation for the (many) italian-impeded:---------------------

FRED HOYLE one of the greatest scientists of our time

AND GEOFFREY HOYLE

science fiction

Feltrinelli

FIFTH PLANET

After that trip into space his wife was not the same---------------------

Please note:

- the sexploitation-inspired half-naked green girl with grey head and puny breasts

- the pasted-over red russian helmet and Zontar belt

- the lovely ladies and Kruschev lookalike pondering her arse

- the faded zone underneath her armpit, clearly indicating that something nasty is coming out of there

- the blurb

- man I love that blurb text - it is especially offensive when you consider that one of the authors is "one of the greatest scientists of our time"

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Thanks, Paolo F! Just as a note, DocTurtle tells me that Fred Hoyle, the noted astronomer, was known for a while as the most pre-eminent scientist who denied the Big Bang Theory. Guess the green chick is just a little bang! Bada bing.

*What do you call a person who can speak three languages? Trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call a person who can only speak one language? American

I see dead people!

I don't know which makes me laugh harder, the title or the picture. Let's start with the picture. Doesn't this look like your junior high school spring dance? The girls are all huddled together, and a poor guy is trapped in the corner, unable to get past them without them noticing, and being forced to listen to them talk about how cute this boy is, and how sexy that one is, knowing he'll never make the list. He's so far below their notice that they don't even see him there. Of course, for their part, they are enviously eyeing the girls who have dates and dance partners, and sadly contemplate dancing with each other just to be out there where the action is.

The title is hilarious! I need to see if my library has this book! I guess the guy is supposed to be a ghost, but he just looks like a creepy stalker. Just think, next time you think you're alone, you could really have some nicely coiffed ghost "attached" to you. Think it's safe to pick your nose or scratch an itch (one that would not be socially acceptable to scratch)? Only if you don't care if the dead are watching!!! And maybe touching you. Like a stalker, but worse! No restraining order can save you!! Out, demon! The power of Christ compels you!!

Honor and Glory!

My readers rock. You know how I know this? 'Cause I've been nominated for a Book Blogger Appreciation Award in the best Special Interest Blog category. *sniff* I'm so chuffed. It's an honor to be nominated and be in such glorious company with Rex Parker's Pop Sensation and Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, among others.


But! I need your help. I need to submit five of my posts that best represent my blog. Any suggestions? A Baen book, perhaps? Definitely have to throw in a Mammary Monday and a Phallic Phriday submission. But which? I'm stumped. What do you think??


In other news, look to the left------>


There's a link for my etsy store. I add new stuff all the time. Buy something and I will offer you the opportunity to guest blog a book cover or two. You know you want to. You can also scroll down for my Paypal "donate" link if you aren't feeling in the need of something crafty. If you've already bought something or donated something and would like to take advantage of this opportunity, throw me a line over at judgeabook@yahoo.com.


And, since I can't leave you alone without a book cover to snark on...Here's a note from my former supervisor along with a cover. Is her head on fire???

Minin' the Mailbag

Maughta's taking a few hours tonight to make some stock for her nascent Etsy store, so I thought I'd give her a break and throw out a couple of beauties.

Let's start with this one, submitted by faithful reader Marla (who notes, "check out the size of his pinecones!"):



Nope, nothing says "creative cover design" like a stock photo of a couple of regency reenactors listlessly hanging out on the back stoop like they're on coffee break. The photo could almost be a still out one of the most disappointing movies Maughta and I ever watched, a 1982 BBC mini-series adaptation of Anthony Trollope's wonderful The Warden and Barchester Towers. How could one go wrong, you might ask, when you start with such a subtle and sophisticated base text and make the positively brilliant move of casting Alan Rickman as Obadiah Slope?

Oh, I'll tell you. The adaptation is weak, the acting is flat, the directing is non-existent...and the damned thing is done on video. Video! Because by 1982 film was just passé. Just because the medium is new and exciting, folks, doesn't mean you gotta use it.

Let's cleanse our palates with this gem from faithful reader Lindz, Jilly Cooper's "classic bestseller," Riders:


As Maughta said to me moments ago, "it's Tushy Tuesday!" I prefer "Tuesday is for Tuckuses," myself.

Riders is the first (and, according to Fantastic Fiction, the "steamiest") of the Rutshire Chronicles. Not a fan of subtlety, our Ms. Cooper. A quick search of her other works reveals a passel of non-fiction titles on romance, love, and seduction, such as Jolly Marsupial: Down Under and Other Scenes:


This is the book that spawned the most popular buddy cop show in Australian television history.

Then there's Jolly Super:


Sorry for the tiny image, it was the best I could find (does anyone out there have a better one they could upload?). Nevertheless, the resolution's good enough for us to know this'd make a great addition to Phallic Phriday.

Ah, me.

That's all for now, but we hope you'll leave us a snarky note or two in the comments section, and keep your hands where we can see 'em.

Saturday Snatch

We here at Judge a Book love to inspire. Whether you're a book artist trying to sneak science ficiton themes into your historical romance covers or just bibliophiles with dirty minds, we hope that after viewing our blog you look at covers with a new appreciation. A snarky appreciation, of course! That's why we were so happy to see that Rebecca at DirtySexyBooks.com was so taken with Phallic Phriday that she decided to start a Saturday Snatch day. Here's her first book.

Check it out!

Phallic Phriday Just Under the Wire

I've got four minutes left of Phallic Phriday, but I can't disappoint my adoring fans. [pause for applause]

Ahem. Thank you. Thank you ver' much.

Ladies and Gentlebeings, I present to you, drumroll please, CRYSTAL WOMAN!

Here's a closeup, just so you can share my pain.

My favorite part of this cover (and this was a hard decision, let me tell ya!) is the fact that it looks exactly like something an angsty, kinda arty twelve-year old girl would draw. In fact, add a unicorn and some really bad eighties "fashion" and it'd look exactly like something I would have drawn after school in my best friend's basement. After a meal of chocolate sandwiches. And this was BEFORE I became a pothead.

I hope you've enjoyed this edition of Phallic Phriday. On to scintillating Saturday!

Lost in Translation?

There once was a Kat from down under
Who saw in a bookstore, a wonder!
She went to Belgium for the beer, so we're told
And ended up with pictures of plunder!*


What happens when a kitty Kat travels to Belgium? She sends us a picture of books!

See Spot lick Dikkie Dik. Lick, Spot, Lick.

See Dikkie Dik dribbel. Dribbel, Dikkie Dik, dribbel.

See Spot flush a used kleenex.

Ewwwww.

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p.s. Thanks sooooooooo much for the donations and purchases from my etsy store! You guys are the best readers, ever!!!

*Yeah...I think I'll leave the poetry to DocTurtle!

Why is my belly so fat??

Who are you? Why is this stairwell here? What's going on with my hips and stomach??

Please tell me this book was named by committee. A marketing committee. Made up of monkeys. On Thorazine.

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Have you been sitting at home wondering how you can help Maughta? I knew you were! Visit my etsy store, make a simple out-of-work librarian happy. Besides, who doesn't need boxes??

Also, thanks for the donations, folks. They make me cry with happiness. :)

UPDATE: Totally forgot to thank Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, from where I stole this. Check out their review!

Because I love you.

Got this e-mail just now which said, simply, "Holyshitfuckdamnballsawesome!" Well, I had to go to that link, right??

Thanks, Rima! (As she said: "That's right. Nazi dwarfs with whips. You're welcome.") And thank you, Bookdwarf!

p.s. lost my 'berry job. Am not feelin' the funneh. Will try to persist for the sake of you, my beautiful fans! I love you guys!!!

Dying for an elevator!

This cover makes me tired. Is there really a building in existence with this many stairs?? I would pass out and die bringing home groceries (imagine lugging a gallon of milk and a 12 pack of soda up this staircase!). In fact, I'd probably stay at a hotel most nights to avoid the stairs. Well, actually, recognizing my own limitations (read: laziness), I'd NEVER get an apartment in such a building. It reminds me of the staircase in the apartment in Glasgow that the characters of Shallow Grave shared.

You can sort of see it in the bottom half of this movie poster.

But that was only probably 3 floors. This looks like 15 or so.




Also, does it seem to anyone else that the "Mary Jane Clark" font is strikingly similar to the font used for Mary Higgins Clark's books? Such as:



Just sayin'....

Five Reasons

Five Reasons Maughta Shouldn't Be Allowed at the Friends of the Library Book Sale:

Reason #5: Cucumber Eyes





Reason #4: Floating red monks with penis caps





Reason #3: Books we've seen before with even more frightening covers!





Reason #2: Women peeling off their breasts and finding...um...other breasts underneath!




And phinally, Reason #1: NO PHALLUS PHOR PHALLIC PHRIDAY!!!!

Pay no Attention

This is not about the cat. The cat is not the thing on the cover about which I've chosen to blog today. I know that the cat is TOTALLY FREAKY!, and kinda glows, and I know that I'm gonna see those eyes in MY FUCKING NIGHTMARES, but this is not about the cat.

This is about the M.C. Esheresque Stonehenge that's in the background. That thing cannot possibly exist if we're operating inside the laws of physics. Learn some perspective!

Okay, you caught me. This is totally about the cat.

Calling a spade a spade, er...

Finally! A book cover admits it all! The gun really isn't a gun, it's ... um ... his "gun"....

Ok, ok, I'm cheating. This is actually from a collection of spoof book covers at http://www.examiner.com/x-562-Book-Examiner~y2009m5d19-Top-20-funniest-spoof-book-covers.

Quite hilarious. This one and Horton Hires a Ho really cracked me up.

Enjoy!