Sultry Sunday #29 - The weekly "Pop Sensation" crossover

Paperback 234: Monarch 466 (PBO, 1964)

Title: Diagnosis: Love
Author: Barbara Bonham
Cover artist: Lou Marchetti

Best things about this cover:

  • The long awaited prequel to "Diagnosis: Murder"
  • Whatever was going on in "their private lives," it apparently involved massive amounts of nitrous oxide
  • "Take off that clown make-up. This is a hospital, not a whorehouse!" / "Oh fuck you, Steve. Perform the appendectomy yourself. I'm going outside to smoke ... and maybe talk to Larry. That's right, I said 'Larry.' Asshole."

Best things about this back cover:

  • "Garnet?"
  • "Chad!" - that's more like it.
  • " ... a strange malady ..." - later diagnosed as "hot pants"

Page 123 (last page!)~

He took the thermometer from her and glanced at it quickly. "Normal. No germs here. It would be perfectly safe to kiss you." He pulled her up into his arms.

I really hope that thermometer was in her mouth.



Phallic Phriday Would Be A Good Name For A Heavy Metal Band

So it's Phallic Phriday and once again we have a Baen title. Oh, Baen, you never cease to amuse me.

Yes, yes, phallic phlying of the phreindly astro-phields. But it's not the bulbous ship entering the ovuloid planet (ooh er) that is the silliest thing on this cover.

No, it's the stylized title/author's name that really gets stuck in my craw (ooh er). That looks nothing so much as something a pimply teenaged boy would draw for his favorite metal band, Charles Sheffield, and the band's new album Convergent Series. When it takes me several seconds of staring at the cover to make out that name (and trying to parse Seires), well, that right there is a cover fail. Ooh er.


Sunscreen Is Our Friend

I'm sorry, chica, but the real enemy is not "SATAN" (those quotes represent Dana Carvey as the Church Lady doing finger quotes, by the way....work with me here, people, being funny in print is so much harder than in-person snark!)...where was I? Oh, yeah. The real enemy is the sun. That great big ball of flaming gas in the sky is don't terrible things to your skin. Sheesh, you look like you've been rode hard and put away wet, girlfriend. I don't care if you're on the cover of a Christian novel, put a little moisturizer around those eyes. Jesus will forgive you for "tarting" up.

Then maybe we can talk about your lip gloss color...


Sultry Sunday #28 - The weekly "Pop Sensation" crossover

Hey all. I'm back from a month+-long disappearance. Invent your own fantastic reasons for why I was away. While you're doing that, enjoy this:


Paperback 230: Midnight Reader MR 419 (PBO, 1962)

Title: Lust Cult
Author: Don Elliott (pseud. of Robert Silverberg)
Cover artist: uncredited

Best things about this cover:

  • What the hell happened to her torso. It's like taffy ... or krazy bread. Yikes. Everything from the bottom of her breast to the middle of her ass needs to be ReDone!
  • When Thing isn't hanging out with the Addams Family ...
  • This is actually a nicely designed cover, as sleaze covers go. Like the rectangular segments - very mid-century modern.

Best things about this back cover:
  • I can tell you that, compared to the back covers of many sleaze novels, this one is remarkably lucid. That is, it doesn't sound it was translated from English into Urdu by a Swede and then back into English by a half-witted Czech.
  • "I'm gonna be late again tonight, honey ... yeah, I've got that damned Sin Meeting I was telling you about ... yeah. Boss really wants us new acolytes to work hard pushing his new 'Shrine of Evil' theme parks ... OK, I'll call you when we're done Embracing Lust!"

Page 123~ (this better be good)

His hands went to her blouse, cupping the ripe thrusts of her breasts.

Oh yeah. That's the stuff. OK, I cheated - that's page 124. But page 123 was all descriptions of driving. Just ... driving. No fun.

I have to believe that if I google "ripe thrusts" right now I get exactly zero hits. . . 71 hits! That's insane. They appear to be all porn sites, although hit 1 appears to be about some kind of lemon. I'm not clicking through to find out.



Not so subtle

I don't know if you've caught an episode of Sesame Street lately, but apparently Cookie Monster is being morphed into a fruit and veggie eating monster. His new slogan is "Cookies are a sometimes food." WTF? Seriously? Cookies are an anytime food!!!! Screw veggies!

Apparently to help make the point, Cookie Monster is now being drawn as morbidly obese in order to drill home to kids that fruit is better than cookies.




A free bit of absolutely nothing* to the first person who can tell me what the fuck that thing on the cover is. Extra points if you make me laugh and throw up a little in my mouth (which is what happened when I first looked at the cover).

Seriously, what is that?? Mucus sushi?
*besides my gratitude and whatever fame you get from being clever on a blog...which is a lot, right???!


Cover to MY sorrow!

Ode to Baen
Your covers delight me,
I always look twice.
A flautist and metal band,
isn't that nice?
It isn't the fire,
or the flaming red hair,
It's just that it seems
your artists' minds are not there!
But in case you're worried
that it's all a big waste,
De gustibus non est disputandum:
There's no accounting for taste!



*maughta runs screaming out of the room.

This is even more scary in person.


Nice socks.

I'm all for making it rich, but I'm just disinclined to actually go through all the hard work, sweat, tears, and financial instability that are required to actually get there. I do enjoy reading about others, though, who've made it big from humble beginnings. I like to dream how that might be me someday (despite the laziness noted above).

I don't want to turn into this guy, though. Maybe the cover artist is trying to demonstrate that you can make it big without any special "good looks" or that you can be weird and still make it big, or ... something. But this guy is a turnoff in all ways.

First, there's the goofy, over-eager expression on his face, like he can't wait to share his... secret... with you. Reminds me of the unpopular kid whose popular friend comes over to your table at lunch in high school to tell you that his buddy wants to go out with you. You look at the jock and get really hopeful, then glance over his shoulder to his "friend." Sad, sad letdown, while he sits there, face covered in zits and sweat, eager to hear whether he has a date to Homecoming. No offense meant. I was the female equivalent of that kid. :) But that's who he reminds me of.

I've never claimed to be a fashionista, and people who know me will quickly reassure you I'm not, but those socks are unbelievably gross. In fact, the whole ensemble makes me uncomfortable. If someone thinks it's attractive (or would be, on the right guy), please speak up. I need to learn. :) To me, it says "I was afraid I'd spill mustard on my tie, forcing me to learn how to do my own laundry because my mom won't launder my ties if there's food spilled on them, so I wore a mustard tie."

The chair. I guess that's a chair. I was in Egypt last year and saw the display of his grave goods from Tut's tomb at the Cairo museum. I think this chair was part of the collection. It looks neither comfortable nor stylish. Judging by the way he's sitting, I think the chair has given him hemorrhoids. In fact, the chair reminds me of those lion statues that wealthy people like to put in front of their homes or gates, that say: "Stay out. We're richer than you. If you don't leave, we'll sic our lions on you."

I guess I'll stay poor for the time being.


Now this may be a fabulous book. It may be the most wonderful book on the planet. I may be depriving myself of a life changing experience. But y'know, I'll never read it. Why? 'Cause its cover and spine look just like this book:

Bad designer! Bad! No cookie for you.


In defense of my gut reaction (every damn time I see this book, which is often since it's in our New Books section, it makes me think that LaHaye et al. came out with a new Left Behind book), let me show you the rest of the books in the Left Behind series:

and a really lousy picture (crappy cell phone picture) of the spines of the LB series (with Warded Man somewhere in it...can you tell??) which would be much better evidence if the LB series weren't on the shelf that gets full sun each and every day and therefore has faded all the books to look like they're in black and white. Work with me here!



What in the world is going on with this cover? It looks like robots fighting in front of a rock wall with petraglyphs. Is that a sword or a chainsaw? Are those wings behind the sword/chainsaw? Maybe that's the fallen angel -- he fell into the middle of a robot battlefield. Poor angel. Your soft flesh won't stand a chance against the mechnized menaces here. Fly away while you still can.


Two for one Phallic Phriday Week!

Okay, I know we all loved the turret from Wednesday, but who says Phallic Phriday can't happen twice in one week?! Besides, check out the sword on this guy!

I love it when books announce that they're "Never Before Published"! Gosh, really?!

Poll time: are those pecks or rolls of fat?