John Ringo - Who Knew?

"Few names in the lore of western gunmen are as recognizable. Few lives of the most notorious are as little known. Romanticized and made legendary, John Ringo fought and killed for what he believed was right. ... In this charnel house Ringo gained a reputation as a dangerous gunfighter and man killer. He was proclaimed throughout the state as a daring leader, a desperate man, and a champion of the feud. ... In the end, Ringo died mysteriously in the Arizona desert, his death welcomed by some, mourned by others, wrongly claimed by a few."

From the synopsis of John Ringo, King of the Cowboys by David Johnson.

How often do we get to snark about something from a university press?  Is JaBbiC favorite John Ringo named after the Cowboy King?   Does he give mustache rides?

Let's Make Fun of Gilbert Morris!

I've decided that all of these books need new titles. I've take an stab at it, but y'all can definitely help!

The Cross-Eyed Real Doll

The Giant-Headed Midget

The Fifteen-Foot Bear

The Soulless Stare

(also known as The Missing Finger)

Phallic Phriday

Once again, on Saturday. The fates are conspiring against me.

The following cover gives a new meaning to the term "Woody". Or perhaps not.

Looks like "The Rifleman" (their quotes, not mine) needs some help sustaining that morning wood. Good thing little Timmy is there to help.

I....I....I just don't know where to start....

It's the END OF THE WORLD!!!

So I was totally planning to add a note to the previous Longarm post about yet ANOTHER Western series that publishes every month and has over three hundred volumes called The Trailsman. But as I was looking for some cover art to add (the covers aren't very exciting, just kinda formulaic)...


...I discovered that Jon Sharpe was an alias. It's one of the many pseudonyms used by a guy named, as far as I can tell, David Robbins. (NOTE: It looks like Robbins only wrote #275 of the Trailsman, which means, I assume the Jon Sharpe is a whole host of people, and David Robbins is the only one who'll own up to having anything to do with it!) And lookee what David Robbins puts his real name on!

Yes! It's an "explosive new series of survival in a post-nuclear age"! I love this cover! It's sooo nice and hyper-masculine. The dirty, bruised guy is posed (nice little snarl there) with his GIANT knife just-so...It's sooo, soooo, well, PHALLIC!Don't believe me? Well, what about this one?

Here we have mortar rounds and a BAZOOKA! posed ever so alluringly. Seriously, who reads these?

http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/r/david-robbins/

Hold onto your hats, cowboys, it's time for LONGARM!

Ladies and Cowboys, I present to you, LONGARM:The Timer's set and Longarm's about to go off...

Yes, sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar. And sometimes a bare-chested man is really just a bare-chested man. When I came across this book in the library, I was, of course, entranced by the profile with cigar as well as the romance novel elements inherent in this cover (the tryst, the bare-chested guy--what a package!, the bad guy dressed in civil war regalia--you can tell he's a bad guy 'cause he has facial hair). I thought, here's a western that has it all. And then I came across another:

Longarm's guarding some heavenly bodies...

(I love the backdoor action taking place in this tryst scene, as well as the woman on the right's hair!)

And another:Longarm's looking for guns in all the wrong places!

And another:

Unwelcome Woolies! Longarm is one sure-shooting shepherd...

Yes, people, it turns out that there are over 300 Longarm books out there. And Tabor Evans (or a host of people writing under that name) churn out one every month. Every cover has the cigar-clenching profile (Longarm himself?) and includes various elements more commonly found on romance covers. Sometimes the same picture appears in different places and proportions on other covers. I think that I, too, would recycle images after 300! I never, in a million years, imagined I would come across this many covers that are this bad. Bless you, Longarm, and the hacks who churn you out.

www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/e/tabor-evans

UPDATE!!! There's a whole other series! With over 300 books! And a silhouette of a guy (alas, no cigar, but he does have a nifty scar)! And it's called Gunsmith! And written by a guy named J. R.! Okay, getting a little excited here with the exclamation points. But see for yourself (notice in the earlier book, #4, it's "an ADULT western series"...Oooooh la la):

http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/r/j-r-roberts/