Covers I hate

I thought about posting this cover a while back and then promptly forgot about it. Today I saw it again and, well, HATED it again.

This is not funny. It's not hip. It's not even ironic. It's just mean. Maybe I've been spending a little too much time at http://www.cuteoverload.com/ (sure to send anyone, even the straightest of men, into an estrogen-fueled cooing). But lapin-kabobs? Not cool at all. For shame.

I don't know why the above book pisses me off so much and the following sexist, completely-historically-inaccurate (they did not wear heels/stockings/dresses/garters like that in whenever-the-fuck-this-takes-place!) how-many-dukes-can-there-possibly-be-that-romance-novelists-have-not-written-about?! cover, but it does. Must be the cute fuzzy-wuzzy bunnietoes (the bunny's toes, not the future duchess's).

Housekeeping: I've added a link to http://www.librarything.com/ on the side there with a random list of books in my library. I'm keeping track of all the books I've read and I'm up to 25 since Oct. 6th. Maybe that's why I've been so sparse in posting lately? Anyway, I love LibraryThing, and encourage you to start your own library. Have I ever steered you wrong? (Don't answer that!)


Titles That Took Some Thought

Today's post is a tribute to those poor, under-paid souls who try their hardest to put together a catchy, snappy, pick-me-up-and-buy-me title. These are the ones that have, sadly, missed the mark. Mucho thankos to Michael who sent me here, from whence I shamelessly stole all of these books.
Yes. Yes it is.

Not only am I depressed, but I'm a complete idiot, too. Thanks, Dr. McGrath.

I like pinochle, myself.

And finally, the grand daddy of bad book titles:

Coprophagia for children, yum yum.


Phallic Phriday: Chicks with Guns

So is there anything more phallic than a gun? Well, yes, I suppose. Obelisks and missiles and swords come to mind. Really, most things military or commemorating military things, but I digress. Guns, especially handguns, become kind of a detachable penis (great song!) or an extension of the penis that one can fondle in public. So you see a hot chick with a gun and it's kinda like she's handling your penis, right? At least, I've got to suppose that's the idea behind these covers.

Blood red nails and a tiny little gun. Someone's not too secure in his masculinity.

This one's even better. Attached to legs that go allllll the way up is a very phallic gun that's just about in the position (on the outside of the leg) that a phallus would occupy (on the inside of the leg). The four-inch fuck-me-red heels and the title (a HARD Bargain?!) just add to the allure. The funniest part is that when I first saw this book I thought it was written by John Tesh who has always freaked me out just the tiniest bit. I have NEVER seen a woman check this out even though I think it's marketed to the Janet Evanovich crowd. Bad, bad artist. No dinner for you.

Finally (drum roll please)....

I ain't fer sure, but I think she's actually MASTURBATING WITH THE GUN!


Belly Button Baen Day: The Laser Edition

I'm ba-a-a-a-ack! Yes, I finally escaped from the basement dungeon of Baen, where they evil overlords had locked me up for daring to make fun of their covers. My escape included a stick of gum, an easily tricked lackey, and a MacGyveresque device. Let the reader beware, lest it happens to you! From my dingy cell I could hear the scritchings of the Baen artists (chained to their dungeon desks) while their commander strode amongst them, cracking his whip and crying, "More breasts!" "Bigger!" "More explosions!" For the books in today's post, he must have been shouting, "MORE LASERS!!!!"

Giant robot chipmunks battle it out on Endor surrounded by, yes, lasers. Whosoever is shooting these lasers is a REALLY BAD SHOT! Of course, you probably can't kill your main character on your cover, where will you go from there?

What does this cover lack? You guessed it, Yellow Eyes. Or eyes of any kind. The robot chipmunks must use echolocation.

"Two lasers...coming out of my hands...Mom must be soooo proud!"

Yes, just what I want to see my heroes do: run away from the beast! I bet this makes fascinating storytelling...

The beast attacked! John activated his dual duelling laser Vorpal Blades, than TURNED TAIL AND RAN! The beast had NO IDEA what to do! This had never happened in a SF book before!

...and then the author ran out of exclamation points.

Huh huh! My laser's bigger than everyone else's laser! I win!

I wonder, is the lizard's brain splattered all over the spine of this book? I consider it a letdown if it isn't.

Au contraire, mon Baen frere. I have waaaaay MORE lasers than you. I win!

Green and blue and purple and yellow lasers...Is there anything this cover lacks? Oh, yeah, perspective. And taste.



Hey, kids! How's shakes? Maughta's been draggin' her heels long enough I thought I'd step in and get rid of those goldarned rabbits. What's say we beat up on Baen some more, huh? Like shootin' fish in a barrel...

Behold, The Death of Sleep:

What's not for bepimpled and undersexed fifteen-year-old boys to love about this classic Baen cover? A barely-clad bimbo in an impractically skin-tight spacesuit jetpacks provocatively in front of a Jovian planet, no doubt rocketing off to an extraterrestrial adventure that will require her to shed said impractical spacesuit and wander about some cold uncharted planetscape buck naked. Our heroine is so busy demonstrating the effects of zero gravity on breast orientation (one went east, one went west...) that she forgot to put her helmet on before leaving Europa.

Which might be why she looks so tired. I hope she doesn't get sucked into the eddy in the spacetime continuum that just popped up in the lower left.

Meanwhile, back on Earth...

With Baen around, it's all too easy.

This cover reminds me of Bladerunner, except Bladerunner doesn't suck. [Disclaimer: no, I have not read this book. In order to stave off angry letters from Wismer worshippers, I'll add that I'm sure the book is one of the greatest works of fiction crafted in the 20th century and I'm not worthy to clean the dog doo off of Don Wismer's riding boots. I must admit that with a metaphor as weak as "the sargasso of space" on the cover, I'm hardly tempted to read further. Besides, might I remind the gentle reader that the point of this blog is to destroy crappy covers?]

This cover looks like it was put together by Tom of Finland (NSFW link here), only its falls short of the requisite number of bulging penises. We do have a nice pornstache, though. I suppose this is what Clark Gable would have looked like if he'd lived long enough to play a private dick in a cyberpunk adventure, complete with black-trenchcoated femmes fatales and pseudo-Japanese neon signage.

Well, snark away, loyal minions! I hope this post will hold you off for a little while as I try to prod Maughta into giving you some more goods real soon-like.