Mammary Monday--Maughta goes to the Bookstore

The things I buy just to show you guys some tits....

And now, for a gratuitous dog picture:

Edward invites Jacob and friends to be in his wedding party

I must be spending entirely too much time on Wedinator, because the first thing I thought upon seeing this picture was that it was a picture of groomsmen and groom.  I'm still not sure it's not.  Either that, or the smash Broadway hit Cats in Space!

source

2011 Seems like a good year to go to hell

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack! I've managed to crawl out of the pit of despair, only mostly dead, to once again bring you terrible, awful, horrendous, and highly hilarious book covers. And who better to start off the year with than Peek-a-Boo Jesus! I'm just dying to know what Aryan Jesus is hiding, don't you?

To my faithful hordes: Thank you for sustaining me in my hour of need. Jesus and I will be waiting, perhaps around the next corner, to jump out and shout, "Peek-a-boo!"



To my new readers: Welcome! This was once a very successful blog, and by golly, with your help, it will be so again!
To Biker Puppy: Thanks so much for sustaining the vibe. You rock!

In other news, I don't work in a library any more, so I need all the covers you can send me! Judgeabook@yahoo.com is open and taking suggestions. Mammary Monday and Phallic Phridays can't commence without your help. Thanks to Jane Dough for peek-a-boo Jesus!

And, as a shameless bit of friend promotion, my good friend Darin Bradley wrote a book. It's totally awesome and apocalyptic and you should go out and buy ten copies right now. The cover is rather cool, so I'll just let you cleanse your palate as you await the next installment of Judge. A. Book. By. Its. Cover. Be afraid.

Shatnertastic!

I'm not sure if they hired a third rate cover artist or if this is intentionally not supposed to look like William Shatner -- Shatner's "appearance" in Season One of Family Guy looked more like him than this! -- but that's supposed to be everyone's favorite overacting starship captain. From Amazon:

It's Shatner VS Shatners! William Shatner? William Shatner. WILLIAM SHATNER!!! It's the first ShatnerCon with William Shatner as the guest of honor! But after a failed terrorist attack by Campbellians, a crazy terrorist cult that worships Bruce Campbell, all of the characters ever played by William Shatner are suddenly sucked into our world. Their mission: hunt down and destroy the real William Shatner. Featuring: Captain Kirk, TJ Hooker, Denny Crane, Rescue 911 Shatner, Singer Shatner, Shakespearean Shatner, Twilight Zone Shatner, Cartoon Kirk, Esperanto Shatner, Priceline Shatner, SNL Shatner, and - of course - William Shatner! No costumed con-goer will be spared in their wave of destruction, no redshirt will make it out alive, and not even the Klingons will be able to stand up to a deranged Captain Kirk with a lightsaber. But these Shatner-clones are about to learn a hard lesson...that the real William Shatner doesn't take crap from anybody. Not even himself. It's Shatnertastic!

Where's Waldo?

Hell hath no fury like a cover artist apparently told to capture a scene from each chapter of the book! Yikes! There is so much going on in this picture that I'm too tired from looking at it to read the book!

The Phuture is Phallic!

Happy New Year, Judge a Book readers (at least those who use the Gregorian Calendar!). From Shushie:

This book isn't awful, just outdated now at 30 years old. It was briefly mentioned this morning on CBS's Sunday Morning show as part of a 30 year retrospective comparing technology then and now, but of course I had to check and I was certainly surprised to see how several public libraries still hold this title as part of their collection -- hopefully in a special section for discussion or nostalgic purposes only considering that in history according to this book:

- Between 1980 and 1990 household computers cooked our meals and kept a diary for the people living in the house; the first domestic robots were used as household "slaves" to do simple tasks; energy saving features were built into all new houses; and the world tree planting programme had begun.

- Between 1991 and 2000 the household computer now ran the robot slaves to do most work formerly done by the human housewife so that women could go to work or spend their time on leisure activities; we all started talking on wrist-radios; and the USSR launched its "cosmic greenhouse" as part of its space station complex which helped further the design of future space cities.

Yeah, but all I see are phalluses!




Penis in Spaaaaaaaaaaace!

Burnsie--Secret Agent Book Cover Critic

My dear friend, the director of the S-town library, gave me a beautiful Channukah gift of this book (people see crazy covers and they think of me, go figure!).


My cover was a little different. Apparently my dog objected strongly, because before I could take a picture to upload to share with all you fine book cover critics, he did this:


Secret Agent Burnsie strikes again! Guess hydrocephalic cats freak him out, too.

p.s. 'Cause he's just so cute, here's a pic of the perpetrator (and his co-conspirator, Phoebe):

What are you trying to protect against?

Yikes! This has to be the most frighteningly overdrawn "armor" I've ever seen. It's like the artist couldn't stop adding to it once he or she got going. For starters, unless this is some sort of powered armor (it moves itself) or is made of aluminum foil, I doubt she's going anywhere. As it is, she's forced to stand with her feet almost painfully far apart! But maybe that's just to let her tail show? Or are those swords hanging from her back? It seems to me there's no way she can reach them if they are. I suspect she can't reach the guns on her legs either.

Are those dinosaurs on her shoulders? I suppose we all could use extra "allies" if we need them, but I'd hate to have carnivorous monsters attached so close to my head. Imagine the breath you'd smell when the wind was from the right direction....

And what is with the raised bubble? Maybe it can lower to cover her head, but if it did, she'd look like a mon calamari!



And to top it all off, she's wearing jewelry! Looks like she just got back from Mardi Gras.

Freudian?

Admit it. You read that title as "Black Ass Blood" the first time, didn't you!

If this woman stands up straight, she won't fall over, but only because her butt sticks out as much in the back as her boobs do in the front. They balance each other out.

Don't get too close, Mr. Skeleton -- she could poke your eye out with those pointy gravity-defying mams!

*Sorry Maughta, I couldn't find any good Phallic Phriday covers, so I went with the easier-to-find mammary/booty cover.




And just because it amused me so much last time, behold: another Jimmy Doohan novel!




I'm pretty sure his head is actually a space station in this one. I am sure this appears somewhere in the story:

"Doohan Station, this is Derra Privateer, requesting permission to dock with Nostril 1."

"Permission granted, Derra Privateer. Please proceed through mustache for decontamination prior to docking."

Happy Phriday!

Is everyone looking forward to the weekend? Probably not as much as this guy:



As if him being butt naked on the cover wasn't enough, phallicky images still abound on this cover: her ears, her tail, and of course those tentacles!! Creepy -- if I were her, I'd be worrying about what those tentacles were up to! For the guys, we have a lovely side-boob, and I think the moon is meant to be a mammary symbol too. Two questions. First, what is wrong with his fingers? They're... creepy. Second, why is she still wearing her watch?


Next, we have a look back to a time when creepy old scientists gently held their telescopes in the presence of their young ... proteges. The protege looks clearly uncomfortable. What's less clear is what that is on his arm. A band-aid? Or a weird European tribal tattoo?


Finally, while this certainly doesn't meet the requirements of a Phriday post, it made me laugh out loud. Seriously loud. My coworker in the next office came over to see if I'd snapped. (Maybe I have, but I still think the cover is hilarious!)



Why is Scotty's head floating in space? Is he supposed to be a character in addition to the co-author? Even still, WHY IS HIS ENORMOUS HEAD FLOATING IN SPACE???? I also love the "special" effect ($5.99) of that ship blowing up, or growing a purple star, or... whatever.

TGIF!

Time for Phalluses

From the adorable Rex Parker comes this gem:

Behold! His Priday Phallus is so bold and magical everyone must shade their eyes! "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Lend me your..." Yeah, you get where I'm going.

Bellybutton Baen Day

What comes between Mammary Monday and Phallic Phriday? Bellybutton Baen Day, of course! Those of you who are new readers may not be familiar with the special place in our hearts we reserve for Baen covers. In fact, I typically assume that when I see a crazy sci-fi cover that it's gonna be a Baen. So I pooped round to Baen's website today, to see what kind of groovy crazy shit we can see today. Welcome, once again, to the wacky world of Baen!



He's holding something, but I don't think it's made of stone! Let's count the phallic images, shall we? We've got the sword, the castle in the background, the broken stumpy thing in the background, even the little old man's head looks kinda phallicky. Am I missing any?

Is anyone else thinking, "jump jump jump jump"? Quick question: How long do you think an unprotected human can last in the dead of space? No, I'm sorry Douglas Adams, the answer is not almost thirty seconds. Your blood would boil long before that. Cats, on the other hand, can last indefinitely. It's one of their little known evil powers.

And finally, a perfect example of why Baen gets its own day in between Mammary Monday and Phallic Phriday. Mammaries and phallicies in the same cover--SCORE! Okay, so it's not so much the painted-on suits or the chubby guns that have fascinated me about this cover. Rather, it's the fishbowl that she's clutching. They can paint on body armor suitable for space, but you still need a bubble-head helmet? Guess she doesn't want to mush her '90s perm.

Five Reasons

Five Reasons Maughta Shouldn't Be Allowed at the Friends of the Library Book Sale:

Reason #5: Cucumber Eyes





Reason #4: Floating red monks with penis caps





Reason #3: Books we've seen before with even more frightening covers!





Reason #2: Women peeling off their breasts and finding...um...other breasts underneath!




And phinally, Reason #1: NO PHALLUS PHOR PHALLIC PHRIDAY!!!!

Phallic Phriday Would Be A Good Name For A Heavy Metal Band

So it's Phallic Phriday and once again we have a Baen title. Oh, Baen, you never cease to amuse me.

Yes, yes, phallic phlying of the phreindly astro-phields. But it's not the bulbous ship entering the ovuloid planet (ooh er) that is the silliest thing on this cover.

No, it's the stylized title/author's name that really gets stuck in my craw (ooh er). That looks nothing so much as something a pimply teenaged boy would draw for his favorite metal band, Charles Sheffield, and the band's new album Convergent Series. When it takes me several seconds of staring at the cover to make out that name (and trying to parse Seires), well, that right there is a cover fail. Ooh er.

Cover to MY sorrow!

Ode to Baen

Your covers delight me,

I always look twice.

A flautist and metal band,

isn't that nice?

It isn't the fire,

or the flaming red hair,

It's just that it seems

your artists' minds are not there!

But in case you're worried

that it's all a big waste,

De gustibus non est disputandum:

There's no accounting for taste!

Huh?

What in the world is going on with this cover? It looks like robots fighting in front of a rock wall with petraglyphs. Is that a sword or a chainsaw? Are those wings behind the sword/chainsaw? Maybe that's the fallen angel -- he fell into the middle of a robot battlefield. Poor angel. Your soft flesh won't stand a chance against the mechnized menaces here. Fly away while you still can.

Phriday Hall of Phame (and Shame!)

I...I just don't know what to say about the following cover, sent to me by the kind people at Powell's Books* in Phort...erm, Portland. It is the most phallic cover I've ever seen (and, let me tell ya, I've seen a lot of phallic covers!). Every single element in this cover is phallic. As Dot from Powell's put so aptly, "may I present to you the hairy vulgarity of Neal Barrett Jr's Stress Pattern."








Also from Dot:

I think that the detail that inspires the fiercest unholy shuddering, personally, is those tufts of wiry pubic hair wriggling out from the beast itself. But yes, I could envision this cover as a Highlights magazinesque "How Many Phalluses Can You Spot? Find and Circle Them All!" feature.

Personally, I'm finding the little guys who are shaped like penises to be the most abhorrent, myself. Or maybe the human's hat?


*Powell's is an awesome bookstore that earns the seal of approval of this blog. Yay, independents! Beat off the one-breasted bitch!

Tuesday Toofer!

Hey y'all. So DocTurtle and I were out to dinner this eve and I said I was thinking of posting on my blog and he said, "you have a blog??" Seriously, I know I'm lame, but kudos and thanks to Rex Parker and Biker Puppy for keeping the home fires stoked. Y'all are my best friends that I've never met!

Anyway...some fun stuff that I've gotten in my e-mail lately (judgeabook (y'know) yahoo (ditto) com)

While it is true that all the cool kids hang in the library it is also true, as I've learned by moving from my previous incarnation as an academic librarian to my current life as a public librarian, that all the creepy kids hang in the library, too. And creepy old guys. Who smell like goats.

Thanks, Patrick!

And Jenna W sent this awesome link to IO9 with the creepiest crouching lady I've ever seen (not that I've seen that many crouching ladies, but I have been around). Hooker elves, too. Check it out!

Patrick tells me he'll be super gentle when sending me this cover from failblog:

It looks to me like little Timmy doesn't have to worry because Superman has, if that black stain is any indication, blown his superwad. Nothin' left but the cuddlin'.

And finally, a cover I found on my very own at my very own liberry!

In a perfect future world accordions cease to exist, they don't get spacier. But it's the expression on the guy's face (not to mention the blindfold!) that suggests to me this book would be better authored by someone from Ellora's Cave (a never-ending font of putrid covers!) or written by Pynk than the great (if sexually boring) Robert Heinlein. At least, I assume he was sexually boring. For all I know he was a furry.

Popular outcast?

Before I start snarking on the title and cover, I have to admit I'm a huge Star Wars fan. (Yes, I'm a geek. I also do logic puzzles for fun. But on the flip-side, I also ride my Harley with my dog on the weekends. Does that redeem me? No? Hmm.) I love all of the six SW movies (I've seen A New Hope at least 100 times), and I've read a good number of the "expanded universe" books (books that go beyond the stories and characters of the movies). That's why I find this cover so very disappointing.

First, let's discuss the title. "Fate of the Jedi" is a good new series/trilogy/whatever title. I'm fine with that. But "Outcast"?? Focusing on the Hero of the Rebellion? The guy who single-handedly (well, maybe with a little help from his buddy Han) saved the universe from the evil grip of Darth Vader and the Emperor?? What?? Ok, I admit, Luke was getting pretty weird by the end of Return of the Jedi, and even weirder in some of the books that tell a "later" story, but an "outcast"? I think Mr. Allston was just being lazy in picking a title.

Low, let's get to the cover's aesthetic appeal. Or, rather, complete lack of any aesthetics. Why is it just orange and blue?? The SW universe is an amazingly vibrant and dynamic setting for any story, but all we get is dichromatic blah. There's what appears to be a unique-looking city-scape behind Luke, that might be very visually stunning if it were in color(s). Not to mention either a new Death Star or a cool-looking moon in the sky -- why don't we get to see it clearly? And what's with making Skywalker all blue? They could bother with an extra color for his lightsaber but not for his clothing? What's that boring white strip along the bottom? It appears to be either another city-scape or Luke's EKG reading, but you can barely tell it's there, because... well, it's all white. And why does Luke appear to be disappearing into it? Does the cover bore even him?

I suppose it's probably hard to find artists willing to draw Star Wars art or characters at all, let alone in full color. Seriously, if you search the Internet, you'll hardly find any at all. I guess the publishers did the best they could. Blah!

Wednesday Quickies

Okay, I know I've been letting y'all down recently, and I'm sorry. Mucho gracias to Rex who's been holding up the Judge a Book torch all by himself. A round of applause for Rex, y'all! Whooo hoooo!

Anyway, just a few quickies for Wednesday:

First up is something I saw and immediately dubbed "Condom Head."

Sorry for the size, but a funny thing happened when I went looking for a copy of this picture. It seems other folk have noticed the "condom head" phenomenon; the only pictures I could find without a super ton of digging didn't have the condom tip.

More Amazon censoring, perhaps? In fact, the only pictures I could find with the "tip" were user uploaded covers from Library Thing. Hmmmmmmmm.

UPDATE: The first cover is the real cover. I saw it in person. The tip is there and the title is Last Train to Arcturus. The second is the cover that appears at Amazon and other places on the net (fantasticfiction.co.uk, Bunns and Noodle, etc.) because they steal the image from Amazon. I propose that Amazon or someone equally creepy (Dick Cheney?) altered it to appear more "palatable," i.e. without the condom tip on the head. In the process, they FUCKED UP THE TITLE!!! Thanks, DocTurtle, for pointing this out. In the second cover, Arcturus is spelled Acturus. Ah hah! Conspiracy!

All your base are belong to us*.

I would totally read this book if it were called All Your Heart are Belong to Us.

*google it, Mom