8.20.2007

Back by Popular Demand: Mammary Monday!



Greetings from a survivor of Unbelievably Bad Cold '07; the Hacking and Snorting Tour. There is nothing worse than having a cold when it's 100 degrees outside. Okay, there's one thing worse: Having a cold when it's 100 degrees outside, getting better for a week, and then having it COME BACK for an encore performance. Motherfucker. But enough about me. I know you're all here for the boobs. Take it away, Virgin of Flames!


Okay, first off, let me say that this is probably a good book. It looks artsy enough, and apparently the author won the PEN/Hemingway award, which if I weren't so lazy I'd look up, but it sounds classy, anyway. So don't yell at me about snarking on a good book. I'd snark on my own (nonexistent) book if it had a lousy enough cover. Right? Good.
And from far away it looks kinda normal, right?


Strangely enough, there's something missing from this little picture that Amazon.com has...something that becomes apparent as you slowly let your eyes go from the top of the book to the bottom...


Marian imagery...o-o-o-o-o-okay...


....

Flower bikini...weird, but okay...


...

Whoa! Naked chick! Lopsided tits!


What is she doing there?!? Why is she traumatizing me?!?


'Cause I know you are all sick, sick people who only come here for porn, here's a closeup:


Who is this poor girl? Did she know that her boobs were going to be plastered across a trade paperback from Penguin? Are we sure she's a girl? Is that really her body or has her head been badly photoshopped onto it (as it kind of appears)? Is she the ex-girlfriend and this is some kind of revenge by the illustrator? Questions I will leave you to mull.

12 comments:

Toonhead said...

Where are the flames? This is a Virgin of the Flames.

The cover sort of looks like something that would be painted on an art car for the Houston Art Car Parade.

Snow said...

What does Amazon have against boobs? Toonhead is right about the Art Car Parade. I think I saw Ms. Lopsided on roller blades at this year's parade.

On an even snarkier note, Photoshop textures were horribly misused in the cloak.

Also, say it with me, "Vulva."

writtenwyrdd said...

Those are some frighteningly off-kilter implants!

Sherri said...

Lopsided happens. It's real. However, this is a book cover, and need not have anything to do with reality. Why did they photoshop her head and not give her a quicky realignment?

The whole thing also looks a little like it should be painted on black velvet and sold on the side of the road from a beat-up van.

Just remember, someone got paid for making that.

DocTurtle said...

I'm imaging Miss Quirkybreasts is supposed to be posed in a gesture of crucifixion, but it looks more like she's telling her peeps to raise the roof. This cover would go well with a one-line book blurb like "Abani plumbs the depths of a hitherto uncharted portion of the Freudian psyche." Someone involved in this cover design went to Catholic school, fer sure.

Eunice said...

*walks back and forth in front of monitor*

It's like... they follow you wherever you go.... *shivers*

Amy said...

Yes, there's NOTHING more horrible than a less-than-perfect female body! Nothing! Let us set all such women ON FIRE!

Mooselet said...

Maybe that's why she's raising her arms to the Virgin of the Flames - praying for devine intervention to fix a bad boob job.

maughtamom said...

Seeing as how I only have dial up, I just was able to see the lop-sided tits. My thought is that it is a before (perky) and after (old lady) illustration to show to the people who are looking for breast jobs. But, what do I know?

Snow said...

I was so fascinated by the cover art that I looked for reviews of the book. From www.quarterlyconversation.com:
Black, a muralist, who paints "Montezuma at his local McDonald's buying a Big Mac; mermaids draped on red couches," drives around the city to photograph the signs of the Virgin. Born of an atheist Nigerian father who's a NASA scientist and a devoutly Catholic Salvadoran mother, Black has visions. As a boy, he had seen billowing curtains as the Virgin's robe. He had also placed a lit candle under his mother's robes which caught fire as she listened rapt to the preacher talk about Yahweh. "She became the Virgin of Flames."

I don't think I'll be buying this book anytime soon.

Kiwi said...

"Born of an atheist Nigerian father who's a NASA scientist and a devoutly Catholic Salvadoran mother"

This whole statement proves that this book is definitely fiction.

Also, she has a son. SHE'S AN IMPOSTER!!!!

Eunice said...

"He had also placed a lit candle under his mother's robes which caught fire as she listened rapt to the preacher talk about Yahweh. "She became the Virgin of Flames.""

Man, don't you hate it when you're sitting in church and your kid lights you on fire? "Bobby, cut that out! Really, I just can't take you anywhere can I? This is why we don't have nice things!"