RIP, Robert Jordan

Boy, it's not a good year to be a fantasy writer. First Madeline L'Engle pops off and now Robert Jordan succumbs to some freaky rare blood disease that, being the hypochondriac that I am, I'm now convinced I have. Not really, but I was trying to convince DocTurtle that I had histrionic personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and obsessive compulsive personality disorder. What I really have is a shouldn't-be-allowed-to-look-at-the-wikipedia-entry-on-personality-disorders disorder. But I digress.

So, in tribute to Robert Jordan, I've chosen to mock the first four covers of the Wheel of Time series today. I hate these books, not because of their subject or anything to do with them as books (I find them kind of boringly typical epic fantasy bildungsromanen, and if you've read one, you've read them all), but because THEY DON'T FUCKING FIT THROUGH THE BOOKDROP!!! At least once a week I get a fourteen year-old boy with hygiene problems and a mullet bucking the check-out line to hand me a Robert Jordan book that won't fit in the drop. Dammit, Robert, did you have to write such tomes? I thought not.

But anyway, the covers are so typically traditionally epic fantasy'y that they really don't deserve too much in depth snark except to give new dialogue to the people on the covers. I give you ROBERT JORDAN IMPROV THEATRE! (I apologize in advance for my crappy crappy utilization of MS Paint. And the lameness of this post. But hey, that just means that this is your chance to snark on me!)

P.S. Be sure to stop by Wednesday for our Baen Belly Button Day (Wednesday is halfway between Mammary Monday and Phallic Phriday, after all)*! And tune in next week when we resume Mammary Monday funness. And I promise never to do something as lame as this again. :)

P.P.S. Damn you, blogger, for screwing up my pagination again! It vexes me!

*Thanks to VembaTsith for making the name up!


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, in no fantasy world, no matter how fantastic, is it ever epic an awe inspiring to left a french horn majestically above your head.

Snow said...

How does the artist manage to make everyone look incredibly tiny? Are they all hobbits? Halflings? Brownies? The Shadow Rising shows the little people in all their itty-bitty glory.

Anonymous said...

I was asking the same thing than Snow... That made me laugh a little, specially the first cover.

I'm sorry to know about Jordan. My respects to him

Anonymous said...

Ah, more worthless trash from Darrel K. Sweet.

Fun fact for those who have read/will read the book: The first cover depicts a particular scene. Count the number of people on the cover. Count the number of people in the text.