Minin' the Mailbag

Maughta's taking a few hours tonight to make some stock for her nascent Etsy store, so I thought I'd give her a break and throw out a couple of beauties.

Let's start with this one, submitted by faithful reader Marla (who notes, "check out the size of his pinecones!"):



Nope, nothing says "creative cover design" like a stock photo of a couple of regency reenactors listlessly hanging out on the back stoop like they're on coffee break. The photo could almost be a still out one of the most disappointing movies Maughta and I ever watched, a 1982 BBC mini-series adaptation of Anthony Trollope's wonderful The Warden and Barchester Towers. How could one go wrong, you might ask, when you start with such a subtle and sophisticated base text and make the positively brilliant move of casting Alan Rickman as Obadiah Slope?

Oh, I'll tell you. The adaptation is weak, the acting is flat, the directing is non-existent...and the damned thing is done on video. Video! Because by 1982 film was just passé. Just because the medium is new and exciting, folks, doesn't mean you gotta use it.

Let's cleanse our palates with this gem from faithful reader Lindz, Jilly Cooper's "classic bestseller," Riders:


As Maughta said to me moments ago, "it's Tushy Tuesday!" I prefer "Tuesday is for Tuckuses," myself.

Riders is the first (and, according to Fantastic Fiction, the "steamiest") of the Rutshire Chronicles. Not a fan of subtlety, our Ms. Cooper. A quick search of her other works reveals a passel of non-fiction titles on romance, love, and seduction, such as Jolly Marsupial: Down Under and Other Scenes:


This is the book that spawned the most popular buddy cop show in Australian television history.

Then there's Jolly Super:


Sorry for the tiny image, it was the best I could find (does anyone out there have a better one they could upload?). Nevertheless, the resolution's good enough for us to know this'd make a great addition to Phallic Phriday.

Ah, me.

That's all for now, but we hope you'll leave us a snarky note or two in the comments section, and keep your hands where we can see 'em.

Saturday Snatch

We here at Judge a Book love to inspire. Whether you're a book artist trying to sneak science ficiton themes into your historical romance covers or just bibliophiles with dirty minds, we hope that after viewing our blog you look at covers with a new appreciation. A snarky appreciation, of course! That's why we were so happy to see that Rebecca at DirtySexyBooks.com was so taken with Phallic Phriday that she decided to start a Saturday Snatch day. Here's her first book.

Check it out!

Phallic Phriday Just Under the Wire

I've got four minutes left of Phallic Phriday, but I can't disappoint my adoring fans. [pause for applause]

Ahem. Thank you. Thank you ver' much.

Ladies and Gentlebeings, I present to you, drumroll please, CRYSTAL WOMAN!

Here's a closeup, just so you can share my pain.

My favorite part of this cover (and this was a hard decision, let me tell ya!) is the fact that it looks exactly like something an angsty, kinda arty twelve-year old girl would draw. In fact, add a unicorn and some really bad eighties "fashion" and it'd look exactly like something I would have drawn after school in my best friend's basement. After a meal of chocolate sandwiches. And this was BEFORE I became a pothead.

I hope you've enjoyed this edition of Phallic Phriday. On to scintillating Saturday!

Lost in Translation?

There once was a Kat from down under
Who saw in a bookstore, a wonder!
She went to Belgium for the beer, so we're told
And ended up with pictures of plunder!*


What happens when a kitty Kat travels to Belgium? She sends us a picture of books!

See Spot lick Dikkie Dik. Lick, Spot, Lick.

See Dikkie Dik dribbel. Dribbel, Dikkie Dik, dribbel.

See Spot flush a used kleenex.

Ewwwww.

------------------------------------------------------

p.s. Thanks sooooooooo much for the donations and purchases from my etsy store! You guys are the best readers, ever!!!

*Yeah...I think I'll leave the poetry to DocTurtle!

Why is my belly so fat??

Who are you? Why is this stairwell here? What's going on with my hips and stomach??

Please tell me this book was named by committee. A marketing committee. Made up of monkeys. On Thorazine.

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Have you been sitting at home wondering how you can help Maughta? I knew you were! Visit my etsy store, make a simple out-of-work librarian happy. Besides, who doesn't need boxes??

Also, thanks for the donations, folks. They make me cry with happiness. :)

UPDATE: Totally forgot to thank Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, from where I stole this. Check out their review!

Because I love you.

Got this e-mail just now which said, simply, "Holyshitfuckdamnballsawesome!" Well, I had to go to that link, right??

Thanks, Rima! (As she said: "That's right. Nazi dwarfs with whips. You're welcome.") And thank you, Bookdwarf!

p.s. lost my 'berry job. Am not feelin' the funneh. Will try to persist for the sake of you, my beautiful fans! I love you guys!!!

Dying for an elevator!

This cover makes me tired. Is there really a building in existence with this many stairs?? I would pass out and die bringing home groceries (imagine lugging a gallon of milk and a 12 pack of soda up this staircase!). In fact, I'd probably stay at a hotel most nights to avoid the stairs. Well, actually, recognizing my own limitations (read: laziness), I'd NEVER get an apartment in such a building. It reminds me of the staircase in the apartment in Glasgow that the characters of Shallow Grave shared.

You can sort of see it in the bottom half of this movie poster.

But that was only probably 3 floors. This looks like 15 or so.




Also, does it seem to anyone else that the "Mary Jane Clark" font is strikingly similar to the font used for Mary Higgins Clark's books? Such as:



Just sayin'....

Five Reasons

Five Reasons Maughta Shouldn't Be Allowed at the Friends of the Library Book Sale:

Reason #5: Cucumber Eyes





Reason #4: Floating red monks with penis caps





Reason #3: Books we've seen before with even more frightening covers!





Reason #2: Women peeling off their breasts and finding...um...other breasts underneath!




And phinally, Reason #1: NO PHALLUS PHOR PHALLIC PHRIDAY!!!!

Pay no Attention

This is not about the cat. The cat is not the thing on the cover about which I've chosen to blog today. I know that the cat is TOTALLY FREAKY!, and kinda glows, and I know that I'm gonna see those eyes in MY FUCKING NIGHTMARES, but this is not about the cat.

This is about the M.C. Esheresque Stonehenge that's in the background. That thing cannot possibly exist if we're operating inside the laws of physics. Learn some perspective!

Okay, you caught me. This is totally about the cat.

Calling a spade a spade, er...

Finally! A book cover admits it all! The gun really isn't a gun, it's ... um ... his "gun"....

Ok, ok, I'm cheating. This is actually from a collection of spoof book covers at http://www.examiner.com/x-562-Book-Examiner~y2009m5d19-Top-20-funniest-spoof-book-covers.

Quite hilarious. This one and Horton Hires a Ho really cracked me up.

Enjoy!

Mammary Monday Sneaks One In

Putting aside the big phallicy things in the background (Devil's Tower, a twister, AND broken penis towers? Overkill!), and the super-cheesy superhero getup, I have one question for you, dear Judge a Book readers, my only friends, my dear ones...

Are those nipples???

Word!

So yesterday I'm helping Maughta with her off-day book processing at the county library where she works (on holidays [Happy 4th!] they send some schlub in to go through the book drop so it doesn't get overloaded by the time the library opens again), and I come across this horrif...I mean...charming little number for the kiddoes:
...Dum dee dum dee GAAAAAAH!

In 1949 the great psychologist and evolutionary biologist Konrad Lorenz speculated that human nurturing instincts are triggered by infantile features, including heads that are large in proportion to the body, but COME ON, there's something to be said about too much of a good thing. Methinks Word Bird (the blue one on the right) must have one helluva chronic neck ache. That's an acre or two of prime real estate up top. And the duck ain't doin' so well herself.

A more recent edition of this classic has reduced our heroes' heads to a more manageable size:


Sadly it's also done away with the whimsical '70s font and border stylage that made the original cover so much more friendly and inviting. The new one, while assuaging my worry over Word Bird's chiropractic bill, seems cold and clinical in comparison with its older version. Or maybe I'm just instinctively drawn by Word Bird's ginormous noggin.

Phallic Phriday Early phor the Phorth

So I have tomorrow off, which means that Phallic Phriday is coming a little early. *giggle*

Say you were a book publisher, or editor, or whomsoever it is who makes the call on covers, and you're thinking to yourself, "Self, how can I get my cover on Judge a Book? Perhaps I should have a subtle (or not so subtle) pun in the title? And have a naked hero on the cover caressing his naked sword in such a way to suggest that he's into autoeroticism? Maybe that'll get me noticed in the blogosphere?"

Well guess what, Mr(s) book editor/publisher/guru, your wish is granted! Happy Phorth from Maughta.

Pop Sensation Contest: "PAPERBACK 250"

Cross-posted from "Pop Sensation"

Welcome to "Pop Sensation"'s "PAPERBACK 250 CONTEST"
[see Contest Rules, below]

Paperback 250: Bantam 718 (1st ptg, 1949)

Title: Death Warmed Over
Author: Mary Collins
Cover artist: Gilbert Fullington


Contest Rules:

• Best comment or caption in 140 characters (or fewer) wins not only this book, but Paperbacks 251 and 252 as well.
• Contest will run from now until 8 a.m. EDT, Friday, July 3, 2009.
• One entry per contestant, please.
• Contestants are encouraged to submit entries as Tweets on Twitter (@rexparker), but emails to rexparker [at] mac [dot] com will also be accepted (please send any questions about contest to that email address as well).
• Keep in mind that a "character" is any single letter, punctuation mark, or blank space. Concision is your friend. But feel free to get creative with the abbreviations.
• Comments will be disabled for the duration of the contest.
• Winner and first and second runners-up will be announced by noon Friday, at which time the best entries (and possibly all entries, depending on how many there are) will be posted for all to see.

Your Panel of Judges:

• Me
• Maughta, creator of the fabulous blog for book cover lovers/haters, "Judge a Book By Its Cover"
• Michael 5000, creator of the fabulous blog for the dork lifestyle, "The Life and Times of Michael 5000"

Prizes:

• Grand Prize: Paperbacks 250, 251, and 252
• 1st Runner-up: two cool but very beat-up paperbacks from outside my official collection + 1 copy of the recent comic "Barack the Barbarian"
• 2nd Runner-up: one cool but very beat-up paperback from outside my official collection + 1 copy of the recent comic "Barack the Barbarian"

Best of luck, and tell a friend...

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]

Sultry Sunday #30 - The weekly "Pop Sensation" crossover

Hope you like French whores ...

Paperback 248: Pennant Books P24 (1st ptg, 1953)

Title: Murder Won't Out
Author: Russel Crouse (... and somewhere, a letter "L" runs free ...)
Cover artist: Charles Binger



Best things about this cover:

• That's the French whoriest French whore that ever French whored her way from here to French Whoretown. Not sure how she ended up in NYC.
• "Tiny trashcans for sale! ... who will buy ze tiny trashcans? ... I call zem 'Can Cans' ... yes, zat is why I'm dressed like zis ... clevair, no?"
• After "Nights in Rodanthe," Diane Lane decided to start taking much darker roles.
  
• "Murder Will Out" is an old phrase — Chaucerian old — in case you weren't sure what the title was going for here.
  

Best things about this back cover:

• Yes, but what's the book about?

Page 123~

It was no longer the Broadway of the Lombardy poplars and the convivial taverns. The trees had long since given way to lamp posts to light its darkest corner. The Great White Way, to coin a phrase, as somebody had once upon a time.

That passage starts out OK, but the wheels really come off in that last "sentence." "... as it were, so to speak, as they say ..."

~RP

Whoops!

Wow, this guy is sooooo boring, he can put you to sleep!! I once dated a guy like that.


Maybe if you use his guided hypnosis CD, the subtitle that the cover designer forgot to add will become clear to you?


Awesomeness!

Owl Pellets

Holy crap that's a big owl!!! What does it eat, beavers?? And how, pray tell, is that man's arm not broken? He's got to have quite the gun show to keep that thing up!!

Suck it, Hedgwig!

Real Doll Young Adult Style

Is something wrong with me that this looks like a sex toy?

Is something wrong with my library that this is in the YA (young adult) section??

Phinally, they admit it!

For quite some time now, Maughta has been bringing you Phallic Phriday book covers (and the occasional Turgid Tuesday), where we infer that some element of the picture (a sword, a banana, etc.) is meant to represent the male member. But is it a fair inference, or our own dirty minds?

Wonder no more! They mean it.

Special Turgid Tuesday link for you

The gals over at Smart Bitches Trashy Books are honing in on my turf, yo (and doing it rather well). They're having a Caption That Cover contest; slide your sword on into that scabbard!