Not so subtle

I don't know if you've caught an episode of Sesame Street lately, but apparently Cookie Monster is being morphed into a fruit and veggie eating monster. His new slogan is "Cookies are a sometimes food." WTF? Seriously? Cookies are an anytime food!!!! Screw veggies!

Apparently to help make the point, Cookie Monster is now being drawn as morbidly obese in order to drill home to kids that fruit is better than cookies.

Heresy!

Contest!

A free bit of absolutely nothing* to the first person who can tell me what the fuck that thing on the cover is. Extra points if you make me laugh and throw up a little in my mouth (which is what happened when I first looked at the cover).

Seriously, what is that?? Mucus sushi?

*besides my gratitude and whatever fame you get from being clever on a blog...which is a lot, right???!

Cover to MY sorrow!

Ode to Baen

Your covers delight me,

I always look twice.

A flautist and metal band,

isn't that nice?

It isn't the fire,

or the flaming red hair,

It's just that it seems

your artists' minds are not there!

But in case you're worried

that it's all a big waste,

De gustibus non est disputandum:

There's no accounting for taste!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

*maughta runs screaming out of the room.

This is even more scary in person.

Nice socks.

I'm all for making it rich, but I'm just disinclined to actually go through all the hard work, sweat, tears, and financial instability that are required to actually get there. I do enjoy reading about others, though, who've made it big from humble beginnings. I like to dream how that might be me someday (despite the laziness noted above).

I don't want to turn into this guy, though. Maybe the cover artist is trying to demonstrate that you can make it big without any special "good looks" or that you can be weird and still make it big, or ... something. But this guy is a turnoff in all ways.

First, there's the goofy, over-eager expression on his face, like he can't wait to share his... secret... with you. Reminds me of the unpopular kid whose popular friend comes over to your table at lunch in high school to tell you that his buddy wants to go out with you. You look at the jock and get really hopeful, then glance over his shoulder to his "friend." Sad, sad letdown, while he sits there, face covered in zits and sweat, eager to hear whether he has a date to Homecoming. No offense meant. I was the female equivalent of that kid. :) But that's who he reminds me of.

I've never claimed to be a fashionista, and people who know me will quickly reassure you I'm not, but those socks are unbelievably gross. In fact, the whole ensemble makes me uncomfortable. If someone thinks it's attractive (or would be, on the right guy), please speak up. I need to learn. :) To me, it says "I was afraid I'd spill mustard on my tie, forcing me to learn how to do my own laundry because my mom won't launder my ties if there's food spilled on them, so I wore a mustard tie."

The chair. I guess that's a chair. I was in Egypt last year and saw the display of his grave goods from Tut's tomb at the Cairo museum. I think this chair was part of the collection. It looks neither comfortable nor stylish. Judging by the way he's sitting, I think the chair has given him hemorrhoids. In fact, the chair reminds me of those lion statues that wealthy people like to put in front of their homes or gates, that say: "Stay out. We're richer than you. If you don't leave, we'll sic our lions on you."

I guess I'll stay poor for the time being.

mimic

Now this may be a fabulous book. It may be the most wonderful book on the planet. I may be depriving myself of a life changing experience. But y'know, I'll never read it. Why? 'Cause its cover and spine look just like this book:

Bad designer! Bad! No cookie for you.

---------------

In defense of my gut reaction (every damn time I see this book, which is often since it's in our New Books section, it makes me think that LaHaye et al. came out with a new Left Behind book), let me show you the rest of the books in the Left Behind series:

and a really lousy picture (crappy cell phone picture) of the spines of the LB series (with Warded Man somewhere in it...can you tell??) which would be much better evidence if the LB series weren't on the shelf that gets full sun each and every day and therefore has faded all the books to look like they're in black and white. Work with me here!

Huh?

What in the world is going on with this cover? It looks like robots fighting in front of a rock wall with petraglyphs. Is that a sword or a chainsaw? Are those wings behind the sword/chainsaw? Maybe that's the fallen angel -- he fell into the middle of a robot battlefield. Poor angel. Your soft flesh won't stand a chance against the mechnized menaces here. Fly away while you still can.

Two for one Phallic Phriday Week!

Okay, I know we all loved the turret from Wednesday, but who says Phallic Phriday can't happen twice in one week?! Besides, check out the sword on this guy!

I love it when books announce that they're "Never Before Published"! Gosh, really?!

Poll time: are those pecks or rolls of fat?

Phreaky Wednesday (thought it was Phriday!)

Okay, saw this today on Smart Bitches, Trashy Books and just had to had to HAD TO post it for your enjoyment. Sorry for the size of the picture, but look at the size of this guy's...ummmm...turret!

Hung like a horse??

Mammary Monday: Goth Edition

Thanks to Larry, who sent me this cover, I now look at this kinda cool goth cover and see kiddy porn. Anyone with me? Yeah, some folks over here: http://www.orbitbooks.net/2009/02/23/cover-launch-tempest-rising/

(the editor (?) tries to defend it by saying she's too "curvy" to be a kid but, damn, this could be a cover for Lolita, yo!)

In a shameless theft from Retrospace, I present to you Heloise's Work and Money Savers:

Zombies have stopped craving brains, and are now trying to get us to recycle. I just love how they've paginated the title to fit her head. I feel like there should be another word in there hidden by her '70s hair. What word could it be, do you think?

Phallic Earth Day (a little late)

Thanks to Tom, who sent me this cover, I now see phalluses in innocent little water bottles...turgid little water bottles...with glistening droplets, um, glistening...Oh, just look at this cover!

Dinner anyone?

I'm not going to snark on this cover because I think it is the funniest title I've ever read!! It's satire (which I love), and I may just have to pick it up!! BTW, I stole the idea from the fail blog (failblog.org), who had it posted this morning.

Save the anonymous male.

This book discusses how the feminist movement went beyond its original aim (of bringing equality to women) to the point of minimizing the importance of men and masculinity in families,relationships, and society. It actually sounds rather interesting.

What amuses me is that this is yet another cover that anonymizes someone. Ok, I get the argument about the autism book (the boy with no lower face), but if this book is about the importance of men, why cut off his face? Not to mention that the block of white with the title and subtitles is just ugly and unimaginative (in my oh-so-humble opinion). And why is it all spread out that way? They should have made the white square smaller or the subtext bigger. Just annoys me.

Sultry Sunday #27 - the weekly "Pop Sensation" crossover

Hey all. Rex Parker here, back from a little vacation (Costa Rica), and ready to drop some more fresh vintage covers for you all once again. Let's see ... yes, this will do:

Paperback 221: Permabooks M-4289 (1st ptg, 1963)

Title: Like Love
Author: Ed McBain
Cover artist: Robert McGinnis



Best things about this cover:

• "Dear God, please let me score with this chick from Cirque de Soleil. Amen."
• "Dammit! Why won't my eyebrows stay *down*!?"
• "Man, my thumbnails look *weird* up close..."
• "Oh, Steve, I'm tired of you and your shadow puppets. Can't we just get back to hanging drapery?"
• What the hell is with the title?: "It's *like* love, baby, just ... minus all the caring and sharing and listening to your damned problems. OK?"
• This will sound odd, but the softness of the coloring and the fine pattern on the wallpaper reminds me of John Singer Sargent portrait that I love.

Best things about this back cover:

• Tommy and Irene - sounds like a one-hit wonder pop duo from 1963
• Carella and Hawes - sounds like a crime-fighting duo from 1974
• "ourselfs" - ouch
• Authentic imitation wood paneling! Really, one of the awesomest design choices in modern back cover art history

Page 123~

"Miscolo!" he yelled.
"Yo!" Miscolo yelled back from the Clerical Office.
"Bring in some iodine and some Band-Aids, will you?"
"Yo!" Miscolo answered.

~RP

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye!

Nothing can come close to competing with Maughta's last cover. That was stunningly bad, and a clear winner in any phallicky cover contest.

My last couple offerings haven't been too well received, but hopefully this one will be more agreeable (in a disagreeable way).

Here we have what looks like a middle aged or older guy throwing an anthropomorphic figure into the air. Why? Does he think the kid likes it? Maybe he mistakes her screaming for laughing? Of course, it could be a doll, rather than a kid. And maybe my assumption that he threw it is wrong, and it actually just fell out of the sky. Hmmm, maybe falling out of the sky wouldn't be any weirder than throwing it that high up in the air in the first place. Especially if it's a child.

Of course, it's possible I have it backward and it's actually a kid floating away, tied to balloons that are already out of the frame. THe guy is watching her disappear into the cloudless sky, to land who-knows-where and suffer who-knows-what fate.

Or, I suppose it could even be an alien predator coming down from a spaceship to attack this poor defenseless man who was minding his own business and just walking on his lawn, looking for dandelions and eyeing the punk kids across the street who like to pee on the side of his house when he isn't looking. Now he's going to be devoured by a monster from outer space. Very sad.

Phriday Hall of Phame (and Shame!)

I...I just don't know what to say about the following cover, sent to me by the kind people at Powell's Books* in Phort...erm, Portland. It is the most phallic cover I've ever seen (and, let me tell ya, I've seen a lot of phallic covers!). Every single element in this cover is phallic. As Dot from Powell's put so aptly, "may I present to you the hairy vulgarity of Neal Barrett Jr's Stress Pattern."








Also from Dot:

I think that the detail that inspires the fiercest unholy shuddering, personally, is those tufts of wiry pubic hair wriggling out from the beast itself. But yes, I could envision this cover as a Highlights magazinesque "How Many Phalluses Can You Spot? Find and Circle Them All!" feature.

Personally, I'm finding the little guys who are shaped like penises to be the most abhorrent, myself. Or maybe the human's hat?


*Powell's is an awesome bookstore that earns the seal of approval of this blog. Yay, independents! Beat off the one-breasted bitch!

Maybe this kid is really ugly. Maybe he was born without a nose or mouth. Maybe his skin is inside out on all parts of his body other than his arms and upper face. Maybe he fell down just as this picture was being taken. Maybe the photographer fell just as this picture was being taken. Maybe... ok, I've run out of possible reasons for showing nothing but the kid's upper head and arms.

Maybe Daniel isn't talking because you didn't think his mouth was important to the cover of the book.

Yeah, she sucks, too

But does she swallow?

What could this be about?

I find this cover uninspired and goofy. Yes, it has the "wonderful" Mona Lisa (whose lack of eyebrows I've always found kinda freaky), a classic of Italian Renaissance art and most famous resident of the Louvre. But that big fat orange question mark strikes me as very silly. Hmmmm, what could this book be about? Without looking at the title, one would guess it is about the identify of the model. One would be wrong.

The title (you really have to squint to see it) is Vanished Smile: The Mysterious Theft of Mona Lisa. It tells the story of when the painting was stolen from the Louvre in the early 1900s, which sounds like an interesting read to me. I just find the cover so boring -- a clash of the sublime and the stupid. Maybe I just hate orange?

Anyway, an interesting factoid is that no one noticed the painting was gone for a full 24 hours. I'm sure some visitors to the Louvre would have assume that it had been removed for cleaning or restoration or something, but you would think someone would have asked. Maybe they didn't have any security guards back then. Or, more likely, the guards were French, and no one is afraid of the French. See the video below for proof. (By the way, I'm 1/4 French, so I have at least some standing to jokingly bash the French.)