Chinese Handcuffs

This is by far the least-bad cover I found for this book
I know, I know, it's been a terribly long time since I last posted and I have absolutely no excuse. I will try to do better in the future. Please don't hit me...OUCH!

So I saw this awesome book at work and was so excited to show it to y'all. Unfortunately, I searched high and low and couldn't find the cover for which I was looking. Fortunately, however, ALL of the covers of this book are hideous.
Up first is a little number I like to call Purse Snatcher.
From whom are your running? Is it the scary indistinct lights in the background? Or are you running from your Godhood (as illustrated by the halo over your head)? And why are you wearing a flesh-colored glove? It doesn't go at all with your lovely gray sweatshirt which nicely shows every curve--erm--plane and angle of your chest and shoulders. What is that under there, armor?
What'cha running from, girly? Y'know, it helps if you actually move your legs, and don't just stand there with your arms in a running position. Just a suggestion. Of course, I'd run from giant floating hands, too. Even giant floating restrained hands. Hunko doesn't seem too concerned with the giant manhand fondling his chest, though.
How could the book I saw possibly be worse than the above two? Okay, I couldn't leave you hanging so I used my very limited photography skills to take a picture of the cover for you. Please disregard the creases. Voila!
Ewwwww. Matt Damon, what happened?! (Speaking of Matt Damon, I just watched Team America last night. This guy checked it out today, and I happened to mention that I just brought it back. He asked me what I thought of it and I said I loved it, but I don't think I would recommend it to a stranger. So I recommend it to my friends, which y'all are, right?)
What kid would see this book and think, "hmmmm, zombie in a wife beater with a vaguely sexual title, I got to read me some of that!"? Seriously, giant head and shoulders blue-screened onto a black background? Never a good idea. I really really hate the wacky font in the title, too (but I must admit I'm surprised they didn't go for the hackneyed "Oriental"esque font).
But I have to admit, what really does it for me is "STOTAN!" With a name like STOTAN!, it's got to be good!
Here's the back cover, in case you're interested. All I've got to say is, Dillon has one hell of a life. Please read the following text aloud and in an increasingly high-pitched voice. Especially if you're at work (maybe they'll send you home for a little R&R).
Damn motorcycle gangs! The streets aren't safe anymore.


Anonymous said...

Gray hooded sweat-shirt = delinquent.

I like the third cover... reminds me of some health-workout cover.
The giant-man-hand seems to be wanting to tickle the guy's nipple, although it's off a couple of centimeters.

and it's been a hard couple of days, with no covers to make fun of!

Anonymous said...

Welcome back! And a good first day back, too! I have to admit, although the covers don't make me that interested, I am curious as to why they named a book about greasers Chinese Handcuffs.

Ever since I started reading this blog I've been spending an inordinate amount of time in used bookstores and the paperback section of my local Safeway, browsing covers and snapping pics with my cameraphone so I don't forget titles... That said, here are my latest contributions to your effort:

1)Men at Work http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&endeca=1&isbn=0373793375&itm=8

2) Knight's Prize

Anonymous said...

Hmm.. blogger seems to have cut off my links. They are easy enough to search for, I suppose, and I don't want to flood your comments trying to find a way to post them that works.

Unknown said...

I think I'm going to decide that Plastic Boy on the last cover is the face of veteran audiobook narrator Johnny Heller, who read Chris Crutcher's Iron Man, and whose voice I just can't stand.

Snow said...

You're right, Maughta, the first cover is the only decent one, although it does look more like a cheap international suspense novel cover than YA dramatic fiction.

DocTurtle said...

All I can think of when I see Stotan! is the Simpsons episode in which Marge stars in the musical version of A Streetcar Named Desire, wherein the final scene draws the entire cast on stage to scream the word "streetcar" in unison.


deadlytongue: I hear ya, I can't walk past the "bookstore" section of our local supermarket without spending at least a moment or two checking out the latest schlock romance covers.

Anonymous said...

I can see by reading the other comments that I'm not the only one who misses your posts. So there!

Susanna said...

As long as I'm judging this book by its cover, what the cover you photographed says to me is "soft-core gay porn."

Anonymous said...

Deadlytongue? I like that better than my real handle!

yellojkt said...

Am I pervert because I think of Chasing Amy every time I see that title? I thought so.

DocTurtle said...

To deadly...whatever: oops, my bad. Shoulda read more closely. Sorry!

Anonymous said...

yellojkt: Finger cuffs! Is it wrong of me that I never even thought of that?

DocTurtle: Toque: in French cuisine, the silly chef's hat, pronounced "toke". In Canadian headwear, a knit cap, and an excellent piece of headgear for late night LAN parties in your basement apartment in February. It makes me win at Half-Life. Pronounced "tewk". /nerd

But seriously, given that I am a lawyer, I like to think that the deadly tongue thing suits me pretty well.

Odette said...

I have the third cover, the one with the girl with no lower half and the guy who's all "Nah, it's cool that you touch me like that. I'm the towel boy, what of it? Yeah, I run marathons and stuff, so?"

Kiwi said...

1) Team America rules. I watched it with my boyfriend when we first started dating and pearl harbor sucks was dubbed our song. :D

2) I totally read that as "topless girl's basketball".

Kiwi said...

Oh, and for deadlyhatthingymajig, here is your answer:


Paste in your address and it gives you a tiny one :D

Anonymous said...

Hey p-dog! sorry you don't like my voice! but the face on the bookcover ain't me!

johnny heller

Unknown said...

Oh man! Busted - again!

Johnny Heller, we don't avoid books you narrate - Al Capone Does My Shirts was one that really worked especially - it's just, I don't know, a taste thing, like anything else.

Me, I'm partial to the dry deep voice - Chiwitel Ejiofor, Campbell Scott - but I'd like to hear either of them do a YA novel without making it sound like the Voice of Doom.

Keep up the good work - I recommend your audiobooks at my library all the time!