Mammary Monday: I want my mammaries!

First off, I want to assure you that A History of the Breast, by Marilyn Yalom is a delightful, informative, and *hrmph* scholarly book.  While it doesn't have nearly as many pictures as some of my obviously desperate house-guests  have wanted (You know who you are.  Quit your whining and find some real boobs to look at!), the book doesn't stint on breast displays, with Maidenform bra ads, Annie Sprinkle's Bosom Ballet, and Renaissance paintings.  So what, I must ask, is up with the cover?  There's more bosom on display on Saturn's Children.    

I should add that Maughta and DocTurtle have escaped/worn-out their sexbot captors.   Once they've finished their rounds of rabies vaccinations, they should be back and blogging again.

Cheap and Dirty

I can't think of a better way to describe this cover than "cheap and dirty."  Mammary Monday comes a few days and several cup sizes late.  Saturn's Children by Charles Stross features a femmebot (according the Amazon blurb, but I've also heard the character described as a sexbot), but there's no reason the cover has to be this bad.  Would you read this book in public?  Maybe, if you were the 13 year old boy who created the cover in 20 minutes with Lightwave.  And what's that in her hand? A breast implant?

By the way, sorry for the hiatus, folks.  Maughta and DocTurtle are being held hostage by a pack of rabid sexbots.  

Time to take out the trash

It's been a few months since my last lampooning of the all-too-easily-skewered Harlequin line. Tonight at our Local Grocery Chain Maughta and I came across a few books which once again exemplify Harlequin's penchant for expository titles and swarthy Mediterranean Mammons.

Let's take a look at the latest in a long line of barrel-bottom bodice-busting bookery, shall we?

All I have to say about this bit of schlock is that the title sounds like it was produced by a Romance Novel Random Title Generator™ that's fed words like "billionaire," "bachelor," "bride," and so forth. I also have to admit that at first I thought the giant gemstone at the cover's center was a glinting pair of stainless steel handcuffs.

Oh, and a NOTE to would-be-poets: "billionaire heir" doesn't "rhyme," it doesn't "scan," it doesn't witness any clever poetic device. It just sounds uninspired and stupid.

Wait, did I just say that last title sounded stupid? I spoke too soon. We're back at the corner of 1st and Main in Expository Title Town. Nice brocading on that fainting couch. She's going to have a helluva backache in the morning.



And here come the Greeks! The cover designers didn't want to leave anything to chance: "In the Greek tycoon's bed," "The Giannakis bride," "At the mercy of a ruthless Mediterranean billionaire..." He's Ukrainian, isn't he?

Exactly how many Greek billionaires are there? Of course, the Italians are not to be outdone:

For my money, this last one's the topper. The title defies every naming convention for throw-away fiction ever devised. It doesn't sing, it doesn't zing, there's not even the merest attempt at drama. It reads more like a newspaper headline ("Mayor: Town in Crisis") or the title of an academic text ("Nuts: a comprehensive history of almonds in the United Kingdom") than the title a romance novel. However, 3 of the title's 6 words ("virgin," "Italian," and "wedded") are stock fodder for the RNRTG™, so I guess I could cut it some slack.

Until next time, keep sending us your covers, and your favorite pulp titles!

Warm Fuzzies

From the aptly named Buzzy comes Little Fuzzy.

Take that, freakin' Ewoks! I hope these things live underground 'cause otherwise those eyes are extremely ridiculous. Oh, who am I fooling, those eyes are completely ridiculous any which way you slice it. If the Fuzzies get wet do they turn into gremlins?

Also freaking out children everywhere is this book from reader Melanie's library's easy reader collection:

Melanie says, "Now, I know this girl is blind, but she MUST be aware of where Annie Sullivan's hands are. I feel dirty just for having looked at it." Better hold onto that belt, Helen, or that dress is going to come flying off and this book will move from "easy reader" to the "adult" section!

Arrrrrrrrr!

Avast, ye scallywags, ye are about t' be boarded. MOTHERboarded, that is!

Thank you, lovely JH, whose Law Library is, for some inexplicable reason, weeding this gem. Apparently the original book is in light blue with red kerchief and titles, but alas we only have it in black and white.

In other pirate news, did you know that the decline of pirates directly relates to global warming?

John Ringo - Who Knew?

"Few names in the lore of western gunmen are as recognizable. Few lives of the most notorious are as little known. Romanticized and made legendary, John Ringo fought and killed for what he believed was right. ... In this charnel house Ringo gained a reputation as a dangerous gunfighter and man killer. He was proclaimed throughout the state as a daring leader, a desperate man, and a champion of the feud. ... In the end, Ringo died mysteriously in the Arizona desert, his death welcomed by some, mourned by others, wrongly claimed by a few."

From the synopsis of John Ringo, King of the Cowboys by David Johnson.

How often do we get to snark about something from a university press?  Is JaBbiC favorite John Ringo named after the Cowboy King?   Does he give mustache rides?

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

Um...oops.

So Maughta's got me listed as a co-author on her blog, and I've got a couple of other blogs on Blogspot, including my decidedly-less-well-read-than-Judge-a-Book-by-its-Cover blog about math pedagogy, Change of Basis. It seems that when I went to post on the latter this morning, I accidentally posted on the former. (No, it was not a pathetic attempt to cash in on Maughta's internet popularity, which is inarguably exponentially greater than my own...not that I'm bitter about it...or anything...I mean, what do I care? I'm...happy...about her success...I'm...just fine...with it...really...so what if no wants to read about what I have to say? It doesn't matter...not at all...)

My bad.

Sorry about that, folks.

We now resume our bad cover art snarkitude, already in progress...

...shoulda seen the size of the package on that one! Dog will hunt!

In other news, faithful reader Laura sends us evidence that crappy cover art is not confined to a single linguistic tradition. Behold, ¡Atención...platillos volantes!:



Ay, chihuahua. One might think that not wearing one's helmet vitiates the effectiveness of the spacesuit/oxygen tanks one is wearing. Apparently one would be wrong. One might also think that one ought not wear angular undergarments whose pointy bits threaten to break through the fabric of one's spacesuit, not to mention the fabric of space-time. On this point, too, one would be in error.

What is the luchador del espacio ("space warrior") doing to the alien invader, power washing it a with a high-luster waxing compound?

Back on planet Earth (I think), Nomad reader sends us this provocatively-titled tome:



Hey, whatever folks wanna do in the privacy of their own homes is fine by me. What I find funniest about the cover (title aside) is the helicopter-shot we've got of grandma waving goodbye as we sail off into the clouds...or into the ceiling fan, anyway. I'm sure the artist's intent was to get a shot of Ms. Burns standing amidst an assortment of her handiwork, but the effect is awkward and disorienting. Her queen-like wave just makes it worse.

Sorry again for the unintentional cross-bloggification. Thanks go out to our ever-eager cover submitters, and our devoted fans. Keep it comin'! You may now recommence commenting.

Kinky Kids

Caffeinated Donut tells me that (s)he "found Kinky Kids in my brother's room about a year ago." The question I'm sure we all want answered is what your brother was doing with kinky kids. Or, well, maybe we don't want that answered...
Is that G. W. and Laura? Damn, I wish Jenna and Babs had done this years ago, the world would be a better place!

Training Manual?

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure that this is not the way it's done. Even on the internets (rule 34 notwithstanding).

Mea Culpa

Sorry I missed Phallic Phriday yesterday. What can I say? The weasels got me.

(thanks, Laura F!)

Man vs. Nature

I love Cute Overload. It drives DocTurtle nuts because, of course, the estrogen levels in the house become almost toxic. But seriously, sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me sane while dealing with patrons off their meds and coworkers in need of meds without resorting to meds myself.



So I know a thing or two about pandas. I know about mini pandas, panda sneezes, even red pandas, but I've never come across a vampire bat panda before!

*Panda Thoughts* Not so cute now, motherfucker!

Surely That's a Pen Name

I'll leave it up to you folks to make fun of the cover (and boy, is it ripe for derision...but then again, it's from Baen, so what do we expect), but I did want to point out that, when I went looking for a image of this cover for the blog I also found this blurb (thanks, Fantastic Fiction!):

A high-tech bioterrorist and the first true artificial intelligence hold the fate of humanity in the balance in this race-against-doomsday novel by a serving U.S. naval officer, Commander Tom Cool, patently one of the most gifted naval officers to write science fiction since Robert A. Heinlein. Full page ads in Locus and Science Fiction Chronicle.

I dare you to find one bit of this statement that doesn't make this guy sound like a raving egotistical asshole. Yup, sure makes me want to read it!

Picking on Focus on the Family

As long as we're picking on James Dobson and Focus on the Family (always a favorite past-time around my house), Preparing for Adolescence apparently involves pegging your jeans and humping a street sign and wearing all denim.



Viva las '80s, no?

I'm feeling better!

I have a whole host of books backing up for your enjoyment and will get to them presently. For right now, however, I'll leave you with these pictures from reader Snow, who is in Phallic Phriday withdrawal and is seeing "them" everywhere! The horror!

From Snow:

Miss Maughta, I miss Phallic Phriday, but I haven't been to a bookstore (or library) in ages. I did go to "America's Country Store" yesterday for birdseed and cat food, though. From the attached photos you'd have thought I went to Good Vibes.

By the way, these are ergonomically designed. Ah. That's what they call it these days.

Pinch Hitting

Since Maggie's feeling under the weather, I thought I'd fill in with a cover I've seen a few times recently in the inspirational nonfiction section of our Local Grocery Chain™'s bookshelves. Behold, Here for You:


It ain't so ugly, maybe, but I swear that when you see this book in amongst others on the shelf, the topmost portion of the cover photo doesn't catch your eye, and you really can't tell that you've got a mom and her daughter sitting next to each on the dock of the bay, watching the tide roll away. Maybe my mind's just a bit on the macabre side, but every time I've seen this book in the store my first thought has been "double suicide." Way to build those bonds, Mom.

You may be interested in knowing that Susie Shellenberger is editor of Dr. James Dobson's Focus on the Family's teen girl mag, Brio.

Well, olé!

Judging from the prominent (for Focus on the Family, at any rate) lack of mention of family in her author bios, I'm guessing that Ms. Shellenberger, besides being proud owner of a 150-pound St. Bernard named Bosco (a fact that figures in both bios that I read on her, here and here), is also batting for the other team, if you know what I mean (and I think you do). I find that very funny, given her stature in the Dobsonian universe.

sick

Hey y'all,

I'm under the weather. Since no one's actually RSVPed to meet me on Sunday I'm gonna go ahead and cancel the meetup. If you were just aching to go let me know and I'll reschedule.

More hideous covers to come soon!

Mailbag, lovely mailbag

Thanks to Lauren C., Stephanie H., and Your Neighborhood Librarian, P-dog, for the following suggestions. Seen a bad book cover? Send it to me at judgeabook(at)yahoo(dot)com.

Subtitle: When clipart gets colorized.

Ah, Baen, you're breaking my heart with these asterisks and ellipses! Let's fill in our own words, shall we?

"Superb...ly humorous attempt at actual writing..."
"hugely enjoyable...as a fire starter..."
"thrilling...when torn up for guinea pig fodder..."

As Lauren says, "Perhaps I can nail a review of the art to the publisher's door like a female Martin Luther without the religious ideals or the funky hat." Tell you what, Lauren. I'll buy the hammer.

Eeeek! Those eyes are freakin' creepy!!! But what I like most of all is the blurb from Best Sellers. It tells us that this book "Invites comparison to Tolkein's Lord of the Rings" Like, "Tolkein's Lord of the Rings is awesome. This book sucks."

Ack! Where'd her nipples go?! His seem to be missing, too. Guess the "primitive societies" don't need them.

Early Phallus

I'm gonna be in Morgantown, WV on Friday so I guess we can do Phallic Phriday a little early (which is better than my normal schedule, which is doing it a little late!).

I really like the Dresden books by Jim Butcher. Imagine Sam Spade as a wizard and you pretty much get the idea. Since I'm also (generally) a fan of "high fantasy" I figured I'd give Furies of Calderon a whirl. It was, sadly, pretty mediocre, but you didn't come here for my recommendations, right? NO! You came here for bad book covers. And Phallic book covers at that! Never let it be said that I disappoint my audience.

Yeah, like that's not trying to attract 14 year-old boys.

"Naked zombie-winds are attacking! I shall smite them with my rod of steel. My pointy-headed sword will take care of that!"

Hey, when something works, there's no shame in reusing it.

"My bulbous spear will certainly take care of these water lions!"

And again.

"I'm so manly I have two!"

Ooops!

Eeek, it's been a whole week. I swore I wouldn't do that to you again, and then look what happens! Bad Maughta! No biscuits for you. Erm...me. Damn, third person fucks me up again! This always happens late on Friday.

Okay, I'm waffling because, quite frankly, I don't actually have a book to post right now. Maybe tomorrow? I promise!!!

But I do have news! Everyone once in a while things happen in my life that have nothing to do with book covers (say it ain't so!). Mostly it's weird things happening at the reference desk. You ever want to see crazy people go to your downtown library on a full moon and watch the folks who come to the reference desk. Of course, you'll be one of the weirdos hanging out in the library on a full moon, too, so watch out! Anyway, I've decided to revive an old blog of mine, I Hate Asheville. Here you will find my various musings. Enjoy!

Since I've denied you a chance to laugh at bad book covers, here's my gift to you: The enormously funny "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks. It's my new "favorite" blog! No, really, it is!

Also, since I've let the cat out of the bag that I'm here in the lovely town of Asheville (note to stalkers and secret admirers: I like chocolate), I figure it's a good time to invite all my closest readers to meet me and DocTurtle (if I can convince him) at Burgermeister on Haywood Road in West Asheville on Sunday, May 4th at 1:30pm for burgers, beers, and a big ole basket of onion rings. Drop me a line if you can make it!

And finally, on a more personal note, I've recently (after thirty some odd years) discovered my dream job. Did you know there's a thing called "Publisher's Reader?" I didn't! Apparently publishing people will pay someone to read their slush piles. Holy shit! Get paid to read? Sign me up! So if any of my publishing readers have some manuscripts just dyin' to be read, let me know. I prefer fantasy and mysteries and things I don't have to think to much to read (ugh, philosophy, yuck!), but I'll read anything that's fiction. Plus I work cheeeep!

Phriday is for Phalluses

Boooooooooooooooorn Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, as free as the dolphin between my leeeeeeeeeeeegs!

Sent in by Carrie

Once upon a time, when DocTurtle and I were first gettin' to know one another, we were on the phone when he said, "Excuse me, I have to go drain my pasta." As previously mentioned, I seem to have the mind of a thirteen year old boy residing somewhere in the back of my head, so I thought for sure he was telling me he had to go pee. Or, well, that he was very excited and had to go relieve the pressure, if you know what I mean (and I think you do!).

So what's your favorite euphemism for masturbating? Is it "spanking the monkey"?

Sent in by BikerPuppy

And finally, Legolas here seems to have, er, grown a bit...

Sent in by Writtenwyrdd

Is that a sword in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?

I wish I could have found a larger picture for this because then you could see that, on the right, is a naked woman with her back to us. Her mouth is, well, "appropriately placed", I guess you could say, to appreciate Legolas's sword, if you know what I mean (and I KNOW you do!).