Phriday is for Phalluses

Boooooooooooooooorn Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, as free as the dolphin between my leeeeeeeeeeeegs!
Sent in by Carrie
Once upon a time, when DocTurtle and I were first gettin' to know one another, we were on the phone when he said, "Excuse me, I have to go drain my pasta." As previously mentioned, I seem to have the mind of a thirteen year old boy residing somewhere in the back of my head, so I thought for sure he was telling me he had to go pee. Or, well, that he was very excited and had to go relieve the pressure, if you know what I mean (and I think you do!).
So what's your favorite euphemism for masturbating? Is it "spanking the monkey"?

Sent in by BikerPuppy

And finally, Legolas here seems to have, er, grown a bit...

Sent in by Writtenwyrdd

Is that a sword in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?

I wish I could have found a larger picture for this because then you could see that, on the right, is a naked woman with her back to us. Her mouth is, well, "appropriately placed", I guess you could say, to appreciate Legolas's sword, if you know what I mean (and I KNOW you do!).


Anonymous said...

OH. MY. GOD. That is insane. The sword one particularly - I can only imagine what was in the mind of the artist and anyone else involved, and I don't think I like it!

The Critic said...

egads, that sword of longing book is ... i can't....it's too much. sometimes, i think to myself, surely the artist must be aware, but often enough, no, no, the artist is not.

Anonymous said...

"Jerking the gherkin" and "pulling the goalie" are two of my favorites.

Sleepydumpling said...

The Thanking the Monkey one is very clever. I certainly wouldn't take notice of a book on that subject, had it not that cover.

The other two... aye caramba!

xenobiologista said...

The last one appears to be from a vanity ebook publisher. The synopsis blurb is nearly as funny.

For ten years, Lorna has run from her past. But now her past is catching up with her. When she dreams of a perfectly-formed, blue-skinned man and a magical sword, it's only a matter of time before she'll have to face her heritage -- up close and personal.

Riordan is known throughout Faery for two things: unswerving loyalty to his king and icy self-control. But when his dreams explode with a warm-eyed, lush bodied woman in need, his ice begins to crack.

Also, just the pseudonym "Silvia Violet" alone makes me want to strangle the author.

Anonymous said...

Poser, fine for somebody's slapstick webcomic, or porn, but not a pro book cover.

Snow said...

"Sword of Longing" reminds me of my favorite blonde joke: Why do blonde women have such large belly buttons? From dating blonde men.

(Apologies to all the blondes out there.)

How does the regal "destiny of a race divided" breath when the dolphin goes down? (Into the water, you pervs!)

writtenwyrdd said...

Actually, that isn't a vanity press at all, but it is an epublisher, and they tend to have simply awful covers. I thought that one was particularly bad.

Thanking the Monkey, though, cracked me up. Gets the attention, doesn't it?

Sara said...

I just discovered your blog and I think its the best idea ever and wish I had thought of it first. I too work in a public library and know exactly what you mean. I'm in IT but one of the reference librarians and I are always talking about the horrible pictures on the trashy romance novels. Our favorites are by Cassie Edwards. She has a series of titles with the adjective "savage" that uses a buff Native American in its cover shots (e.g. Savage Torment). We like to photoshop Fred Savage's head on thier bodies. I added you to my reader so keep them coming. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Oh, the placement of the "sword" and female head in Sword of Longing is aaaaamzing. And for that matter, as if the cover wasn't clear enough, it's called Sword of LONGING?!?

the.effing.librarian said...

I just realized that the dolphin is smiling and probably thinking, "I'm glad she's not straddling my blow hole, because....(blank)"
...insert filthy punchline here all you Match Game panelists, Brett? Nipsey? (or is Match Game before your time?)

Anonymous said...

C'mon! How can anyone ride a dolphin like that? It's gotta be impossible. And that sword cover was the worst and most obvious phallic thingy ever.(Sorry I couldn't come up with a better word than thingy) BTW, I'm "not master of my domain".

Anonymous said...

Thanking the Monkey is supposed to be a pretty good book, though. It's by that vegan lady who runs Dawnwatch.

But MAN, do I love ebook covers like Sword of Longing. And by "love", I mean "hate so much that it's almost enjoyable."

Anonymous said...

canaduck- you just made me sooo happy with:
"But MAN, do I love ebook covers like Sword of Longing. And by "love", I mean "hate so much that it's almost enjoyable.""

The thanking the monkey one cracked me up especially the review: "[E]ducation with a smile..." seriously, could there have been something else in front of ducation?

Great blog, and a fantastic idea. And I'm sorry you hate Asheville!!