Um, what??

This has to be the funniest title I've seen in a long time. I imagine that to male readers, it's also quite frightening. You're curious what it's about, aren't you? Admit it. You are. Ok, here's part of a review on Amazon.com:

Imagine a world without men where the only way a woman can reproduce is with the help of a giant computerized incubator and a genetically engineered sex toy. Now imagine that this sex toy is intelligent. It has emotions and a soul. It hopes and dreams and it falls in love. This is the premise of Carlton Mellick III's RAZOR WIRE PUBIC HAIR. One of the main characters "The Sister" is a nymphomaniac who is covered from head to toe in vaginas. Celsia is an Amazon warrior with pubic hair made of razor wire. The main character is a genetically engineered hermaphrodite sex toy named Celsia 2 who longs to be loved by his/her owner. Oh, but wait, there's more ... there's sex starved zombies, hordes of marauding rapists, twat frogs, a hoota beasts that is basically just a big hairy vagina with legs, and still another giant talking and apparently quite wise vagina built into the wall of the mansion in which many of these creatures reside. What's most bizarre is that none of this seems to be there for pure shock value. In fact, this perverse menagerie of beings are presented in such a matter of fact manner that it is as if the last thing the author wants is for you to be shocked by them. He wants you to just accept them so that he can just get on with his story. And what a story it is! RAZOR WIRE PUBIC HAIR is the touching tale of a living, breathing, thinking, sex toy that is hopelessly in love with its owner who views it as little more than an object. This book could be a metaphor for so many sexual relationships where one partner is dominant and the other is submissive, struggling to be seen as more than merely an object of lust but as a potential true love.

If anyone reads this book, you are obligated to provide a full book report here!


Alissa Grosso said...

Cover was interesting, then I read that description. Who is this Carlton Mellick III? I'm imagining some sex starved hermit who occasionally hangs out in the local library and gives the librarians there the creeps.

Unknown said...

hahahahaha a sex toy with feelings! hahahahaha
Great post!

A Library Girl said...

I'm afraid to check on my own right now, since I'm at work, but I'm wondering if this is self-published. By the way, even for a woman this title sounds painful and frightening. I mean, there'd be no way to walk around without slicing your thighs open.

Torsten Adair said...

"Just to register emotion, jealousy, devotion
And really feel the part
I could stay young and chipper
And I'd lock it with a zipper
If I only had a heart"

BTW, here's the WorldCat link:
Scroll down, you'll see "Users who read this book, also read:" which include other work by the author, including a "choose your own ending" novel. Surprisingly, FOUR libraries have this book in their collection.

I'm going to wait for the movie.

Cliff said...

One of the main characters "The Sister" is a nymphomaniac who is covered from head to toe in vaginas.


Seth Christenfeld said...

Carlton Mellick is part of a rising(?) subgenre of sci-fi/horror self-described as bizarro fiction. Generally short, insane, and--if you're lucky--really, really funny.

Mostly centered around the small publisher Eraserhead Press (who are Mellick's publisher--so no, ALG, the book isn't self-published).

Anonymous said...

I'll tell you exactly how this book got started: Poor Carlton got dumped by a heartless woman, and when he pleaded for an explanation, she callously told him, "I was just using you for sex." And he said, "But I have feelings!" And then he went and cried for a while. And then he listened to NIN's Pretty Hate Machine, and he figured, "If Trent Reznor could turn his pain into music, surely I can turn my pain into a novel!" And then he thought, "Hey, Reznor. Razor. I've got an idea...."

Genius. Horrible, disgusting, misogynistic genius. It's almost too bad I'll NEVER read this book.

shushie said...

Wow. This totally sounded self published to me, I suppose congrats to the author are in order since it's not?

Tindi said...

Brain bleach plz.

Anonymous said...

Gotta share this one:


- Tom

DaveKan said...

Twat frogs? May have a new name for my softball team this year!

Jamie said...

I honestly don't see the misogyny. It's over-the-top weird, sure. But misogynistic? I'm not seeing it.


OMG! Your blog is hilarious!!! It is my new favorite!!

I'm a book blogger and this just takes the cake! I was writing a post on judging a book by its cover and well...your blog came up when I Googled. HA HA HA!!! Simply Brill!!

Come over and check out the article. I linked your fun site.

ZombiePorno said...

Oh wow. LOL I'm definitely going to buy this, if only for the lulz. I don't see it as offensive in the slightest. We women need to stop acting like our sex is too good to be exploited... the cheesy smut novels half of the female population purchase are worse than this, because they pretend to be based on "true" emotions. In my humble opinion anyways.

Steve Asbell said...

This is a great one... because there's nothing hotter than someone covered from head to toe with va-jay-jays!

Andrea said...

TWAT FROGS! Omg,my new mission in life is to find this book, it sounds like pure gold.
I love your blog :)

Anonymous said...

I've read this book because your post fired up my curiosity and I have to say, I liked what I read. I've always enjoyed wierd stories and this one took the cake... before I saw all the other titles the man has written. The full book review you were asking for is very brief because the story itself is really short: made up of brief scenes that don't always have an explanation, the writing is very simple and the so-called dirty bits are not quite as dirty as one may think. It sounds like a cheesy squallid porn movie, some may say that it looks like said porn movie but actually it's not. The money I spent on it was worth it and I intend to buy most of his other works.