The Phuture is Phallic!

Happy New Year, Judge a Book readers (at least those who use the Gregorian Calendar!). From Shushie:

This book isn't awful, just outdated now at 30 years old. It was briefly mentioned this morning on CBS's Sunday Morning show as part of a 30 year retrospective comparing technology then and now, but of course I had to check and I was certainly surprised to see how several public libraries still hold this title as part of their collection -- hopefully in a special section for discussion or nostalgic purposes only considering that in history according to this book:

- Between 1980 and 1990 household computers cooked our meals and kept a diary for the people living in the house; the first domestic robots were used as household "slaves" to do simple tasks; energy saving features were built into all new houses; and the world tree planting programme had begun.

- Between 1991 and 2000 the household computer now ran the robot slaves to do most work formerly done by the human housewife so that women could go to work or spend their time on leisure activities; we all started talking on wrist-radios; and the USSR launched its "cosmic greenhouse" as part of its space station complex which helped further the design of future space cities.

Yeah, but all I see are phalluses!




Penis in Spaaaaaaaaaaace!

I (BikerPuppy) am a single woman hoping to eventually find the man of my dreams. That's why I make fun of the romance novels -- because I'm jealous that they portray as obtainable what I've been so far unable to obtain. This is not for lack of trying, but where does a professional woman meet a suitable man in this day and age? Bars? No, I'm not 22. Book stores? Hasn't worked so far. Dog parks? You'd think this would work, but the men I meet there are married or gay, without exception. That leaves internet dating, which I'm in the process of trying, with mixed results.

However, the cover of Hamilton's book illustrates the danger we face as single women (I guess men face the same danger) looking for love online. It's easy and safe to talk and flirt online and on the phone, but eventually you're going to meet in person. You never know what you're going to get. Fortunately for me, I've never had anyone show up with a razor blade (or at least not one that they've shown to me), but I've had guys show up who are clearly 15 years older than their pictures, who are now covered in tattoos (when their pics showed unmarked skin), or who think it's ok to show up for a first date in ripped or dirty clothing. I guess, given the razor blade alternative, I should be content.


Thanks, Flirt cover artist -- you've scared me into closing my Match.com account and trying Plan B.

Burnsie--Secret Agent Book Cover Critic

My dear friend, the director of the S-town library, gave me a beautiful Channukah gift of this book (people see crazy covers and they think of me, go figure!).


My cover was a little different. Apparently my dog objected strongly, because before I could take a picture to upload to share with all you fine book cover critics, he did this:


Secret Agent Burnsie strikes again! Guess hydrocephalic cats freak him out, too.

p.s. 'Cause he's just so cute, here's a pic of the perpetrator (and his co-conspirator, Phoebe):

A new twist on an old dull...

I've never been a fan of Jane Austen's novels. I don't dispute their literary value or their appeal to millions of readers, but I've always found them dull and lifeless, with equally lifeless characters.

But THIS version...! These are undead lifeless characters! I may have to check this one out!

There's a theme here, but I just can't figure out what it is....

Is it just me or does Jim Butcher's cover artist have a thing for men holding swords and staves?

Ick

I know we're in a period of popular culture where vampires are all the rage, so it's no surprise that there are a lot of vampire stories out there. And I know that people have their fetishes, so stories (or book covers) depicting a little light S&M don't really shock me either. But this one just grosses me out. If I were her, the second I felt that icky drip hit my lips, I'd scream the secret safe word ("Dolphin!!") and demand to be untied. Then I'd run far, far away.

Does anyone find this cover (as a whole) appealing? I know our male readers will enjoy the main image, but really, when you add in the bloody cherry.... Or maybe that's the subtext?!?! She just lost her virginity! Still. Ewwwww.

Love is in the Air....

It's Christmastime, and along with the smell of freshly baked cookies and the twinkle of lights under a blanket of fresh-fallen snow, love is a sign of the season. So let's celebrate true love, Judge A Book style!

I admit it. I'm a hopeless romantic. Despite hating most chick flicks (I make my dates very happy, because I'd much rather see the new sci fi flick than the new romantic comedy), I really love seeing the hero and heroine get together at the end of an adventure. It warms my (otherwise bitter) heart. In fact, the idea of "together forever" is something to which I actually aspire. I really think, though, that I'd prefer the chance of eventually splitting if "together forever" means being permanently encased in a block of ice. Ouch. Ever kissed someone when the temp is sub-zero? It's a bit like licking a lamp-post in the winter. I especially don't recommend it when you're frozen solid in a huge ice cube.



On the other extreme, we have this couple. Being that it's Harlequin, I can easily predict the story and even the dialog. Story: Woman has misfortune and ends up in sad, unfamiliar surroundings. Woman meets man who seems dark and mysterious and she takes an instant dislike to him. After he saves her life or her chastity from someone truly evil, her dislike turns to passion, although she fights it. Eventually, she gives in and gives herself to him, body and soul. Dialog: "Darling, I want to be with you forever. You make me feel so safe and loved." "I feel the same way, my love. You light a fire in me. In fact, I can feel it burning me up inside. Seriously, it feels like it's burning me up outside. Oh my God, I'm actually on fire!!!!"

A brief Phriday greeting

Awww, what a sweet little book about a pre-pubescent girl and her d... what in the name of all that is good and true are all those penises doing behind her?? It's like an invading army, led by the, er, "tower" in the middle!








That's not a stone he's holding.













More like "Dead Eye" -- but I think they just wanted to get "long" in the title.

Hump Day, Paranormal Edition

Hey, y'all. So I asked all my fans on ye olde facebook today what theme we should have for Wednesdays and Ashley V came through with a winner.

Presenting Hump Wednesday, a day for taking aim at all those cookie cutter romances that litter the grocery store book aisle.*

Today's target is paranormal romances.


Wow, there's a lot of crap going on. Ice, weird tribal tattoo things, some sort of gate, and a whole lot of words. You think with all this going on, they could give some thought to our heroine, rather than making her look like some kind of albino stripper. Oh, wait, is she the vamp? That makes sense to me!



As Twilight has taught us, stalkers are sexy. Especially ones with big poofy lips and explody-hands. Quick poll: would you read a romance that called the hero a "stalker"? Nope, me neither.

Are they transparent? They're transparent, aren't they. Sex'd be a bit more interesting if you could evanesce, wouldn't it? No more cuddling or awkward "relationship" convos anymore!

*no offense meant to the authors of these books, I know they work hard and are cooler than I!

Mammary Monday...Now Put it Away

Hmmm, I wonder what this book is about.



I hope that's the author picture!



(Thanks, Adam, now put your eyes back in your head!)

A quick interruption

Hi y'all,

If you receive JaBbiC by feed, you may need to change your feed address to http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/twfW

Carry on.

It IS the Rabbit!

Does anyone remember the book Bunnicula? All I remember is that the bunny sucked the juices out of vegetables. The family would wake up in the morning and there'd be colorless vegetables in the cage. Damn, that book freaked me out. But not quite as much as this cover horrifies me!


Thanks go out to reader Susan V. and Jon Scalzi's Whatever blog. I think I may have to read this book!

Baby Chains

Forget the old ball and chain, it's kids that really keep you tied down.





Even if you live in a technicolor world...and are apparently married...and getting it on with a pregnant "other woman"...am I the only one who thinks that being a "mistress" may not be the most romantic title on earth?? Or is this all about the old S & M...nah, not enough black leather on the cover.

Thanks to Erin and whomever invented ellipses...I really like them.

Facebook

Are you a fan of Judge a Book by its Cover?? Prove it! Join the Judge a Book by its Cover facebook page. Be an angel, doll.

Boneless Animals and Hairy Clams!

From our friends over at Accidental Dong comes this gem for Phallic Phriday, Boneless Boner.



They may not have spinal cords, but they seem to have a "bone" to me!

Night of 1000 Baby Names

Wednesday Redux! Enjoy this post from long ago. It's terrorific!





But enough about me...



CAUTION: If you are especially easily frightened or have nightmares don't, whatever you do, look at the following book! You've been warned.



Anyway, faithful page Jeremy brought in the bookdrop today, and this book was on top (sorry for the fuzziness, but the original image is so horrific you'll actually be glad not to get the full impact):

SWEET FANCY MOSES! 1000s of staring zombie babies. Lock the doors, don't turn out the lights, but please, STOP STARING AT ME!!!

I'm gonna be awake all night. Who's this desperate to figure out what to name their kid, anyway? We all know it'll just be named Madison or Makayla or Matthew.

Good Monday Morning!

This is a phenomenon of fantasy novel covers that I just don't understand. Slightly bigger pic of the cover art below (Title is In the Rift.)








Why would any sane woman (maybe I presume too much?) wear a cloak, a fur chastity belt, fur-lined boots and all-over leather for warmth in a harsh winter climate, yet leave her chest completely uncovered? I suppose it's a good strategy for luring silly male adventurers into her wily trap, but it can lead to all manner of health problems. Seriously, that's sensitive skin she's leaving open to frostbite; after all, nothing is more attractive than a woman whose nipple has cracked off from cold, right? Eww. I'd point out that she apparently carries her dagger in a scabbard meant for a full sized sword, but that's outside the scope of a Mammary Monday post.



On the same theme, this girl (I assume it's a girl from the brassiere, but the face makes me question that assumption) is so impressed with her own abs that she's willing to risk losing her tatas to the cold just to show them off! Not to mention that bare skin is a terrible defense against a spear!

I'm going to start a new Facebook group: Women for more sensible armor. Who's with me??

Er... mammary Tuesday anyone?

I'm a day late with this, but hopefully it's funny enough to make up for the delay.
I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be some sort of evil all-seeing eye (and perhaps a goofy play on the title -- See of Monsters?), but all I see is an enormous nipple on an even more enormous tata, being supported by a rope bridge. I guess when your boob is that big, you can't find a really cute, lacy bra (I mean, this must be a ZZZZZZZ cup or something), but a bridge?? Hire a seamstress! And please, for the sake of decency (and the sanity of those poor people escaping across your bra) cover that eyenipple!!

What are you trying to protect against?

Yikes! This has to be the most frighteningly overdrawn "armor" I've ever seen. It's like the artist couldn't stop adding to it once he or she got going. For starters, unless this is some sort of powered armor (it moves itself) or is made of aluminum foil, I doubt she's going anywhere. As it is, she's forced to stand with her feet almost painfully far apart! But maybe that's just to let her tail show? Or are those swords hanging from her back? It seems to me there's no way she can reach them if they are. I suspect she can't reach the guns on her legs either.

Are those dinosaurs on her shoulders? I suppose we all could use extra "allies" if we need them, but I'd hate to have carnivorous monsters attached so close to my head. Imagine the breath you'd smell when the wind was from the right direction....

And what is with the raised bubble? Maybe it can lower to cover her head, but if it did, she'd look like a mon calamari!



And to top it all off, she's wearing jewelry! Looks like she just got back from Mardi Gras.

Sultry Sunday #32 - The weekly "Pop Sensation" crossover

Today, not just a twofer or a threefer, but a fourfer — continuing my countdown of the 57 books I recently acquired at my local University's Book Sale. Please enjoy Books 8-11.

*****

A Mess of March ... I'm moving all the NGAIO MARSH titles to the front of the queue (literally, Roger Daltrey sang the word "queue" as I typed it just now ... freaky coincidence) because one of my readers seems to have a thing for her :)

Book 8: Singing in the Shrouds (Berkley, 1960)
Cover artist: photo?

• A book that takes on the collapsing telecommunications system, apparently
• Her miniskirt has its own miniarm.

• Finally, someone has tamed the wild, native, animalistic mystery novel and made it "civilized literature." Where's my houseboy with the tea!?

Book 9: Death of a Peer (Pocket 475, 1947)
Cover artist: Aargh, uncredited

• This lady's got Fear Hand (TM). In fact, she appears to have a double case of it.
• Ouch. Skeleton key to the eye. That's gotta hurt.

• Well if it's WEALTHY, of course we care...

Book 10: Death of a Fool (Avon T-254, late '50s)
Cover artist: Uncredited

• Fear Hand! (TM)
• Jenny recoils in horror as she sees that her gardener has failed to blow all the leaves off her front lawn. And squirrels on her bird-feeders!? Oh, the humanity.

• Inspector Alleyn arrives to cut through the heathen nonsense of the simple souls. Civilization! God save the Queen, wot!

Book 11: Swing, Brother, Swing (Pocket 762, 1951)
Cover artist: Lew Keller

• "Swing, Brother, Swing ... for Hepcats only, man!"
• Secret ingredient to all good mystery cover copy — just add "... with DEATH!"

• I'm sorry, I started laughing at "accordion" and haven't stopped yet

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]