I accept!

Dear Sarah (of Smart Bitches, Trashy Books),

As Maughta indicated in a comment on your begauntleted blog post, she once had me read one of Betina Krahn's Victorian affairs, "The Last Bachelor." The heroine was a wealthy widow who took in destitute young women and married them off to unsuspecting bachelors, little knowing that her own turn was soon to come.

I recall that though the book was well-written, it simply wasn't my cup of tea. It didn't hold my interest. My feeling is much like my take on Mozart and B.B. King: though I've never much cared for either of them, I certainly appreciate their extraordinary talents.

In any case, never one to shrink from a challenge, I accept and await the title you select. Will you draw from the Blaze basket? The Presents pile? Or, quel horreur!, the NASCAR nook? Please be gentle.

Please send us your chosen title forthwith, we're on tenterhooks.

Best,
DocTurtle

P.S. -- Incidentally, in the interest of historical accuracy, I would like humbly to admit that the Random Mammal Generator (as funny as I find it) is the brainchild and Meisterwerk of my friend Eric Schneider. The Random Romance Novel Title Generator is all my own, however. Mea culpa.

Sun, Sand, Circle Jerks?

Ahhhh, back from the beach with a weird misapplied-sunscreen-burn and no jellyfish welts (DocTurtle got those!) and what should cross my desk but this lovely little children's book.






Now we all know I have the brain of a 15 year-old boy so guess where mine went. Yup. Daisy chain. Everyone looks so HAPPY! I especially appreciate the little drop of sweat on the pig's brow. One Two Three Pull is what she said!

On a side note, DocTurtle has been challenged! Will he accept it? Only time will tell...

Hot Links

Goin' to the beach with lots of urban fantasy (I'm a sucker for a strong feminist chick with big boobs on the cover), but wanted to leave you something to do (besides the excellent Romance Novel Title Generator that TurtleBoy made up for us and which can be found in the last post). Here are some links I've been meaning to post for, like, ever. Thanks to the readers who directed me to them. Enjoy!

Pistil Books' Museum of Weird Books
Rex Parker's Pop Sensation
Punk Rock Penguin's Bad Book Covers
FlapArt (for reading romance novels in public)
Reusable Cover Art in Historical Novels
Spooky Moon's Cover of the Week
Suburban Beatnik's Toga Porn
and finally A Guide to Writing your own Michael Crichton Book (and a book using the formula)

Titter-worthy Titling Automaton

Hey, All! DocTurtle here, spotting for Maughta on this cool and quiet eve. We're getting ready to head to the beach tomorrow for a much-deserved (and long-delayed) three-and-a-half-day weekend. But we couldn't leave you without one more post to tide you over until Monday. (If you're nice, maybe Maughta'll post again tomorrow, too!)

I'll make my contribution now.

I've posted twice before (here and here) about the utter inanity that is the romance novel title. They're really formulaic: if you've seen one, you've seen 'em all. I decided to crack the code and create my own Random Romance Novel Title Generator™, available for your use free of charge on my own website, located here.

I hope it's good for a few chuckles and the odd guffaw. I encourage you to provide your feedback (favorites? any words you think we missed?) in the comments section.

Happy hunting!

Phallic Phriday of the Phuture!

I'm not really sure what to say here besides, "Look! Penis!!" Also "Half man/half stereo receiver." And "Hah hah hah look at the computer!" I also like the juxtaposition of "bang-up job" right below the launch explosion (hey little commando-guys, you're supposed to run AWAY from the flames!!!). Yeah, it's the weekend, I'm losing it...

What I did over my summer vacation

Some of you out there might have been wondering just where the hell I've been the last few months. Well, in addition to fighting off sexbots, recovering from said sexbots, and enduring a double ear infection, I've been reading these books. I trust you'll understand why I had to stay locked up in my cave, away from the discerning public, while reading them once you've seen the covers. Wow, that corpse is sure looking good (good being relative to a corpse, not to a normal human being with any fashion sense whatsoever), even with half her face missing. She's not laughing, though. TRUTH IN ADVERTISING!! Where's her ear? Did it go where the rest of her face went? To a better place than this book cover, I hope!

Who told this artist that half-a-face was intriguing? Was it the same person who taught the artist of the Longarm books? For some reason that idea pleases me.

Oh gods, it gets worse!! The '80s were not a good time for ANYONE'S hair!!

Leather-clad vampire babes with automatic weapons? I'd read that.

Phallic Phriday: Republican Tools Edition

"Okay, Sven, for this pose I want you to reach down, grab your ankles, and think about Austria."


"Oh, Chad! Your pole is so long and hard, I don't think I can contain it with just two hands!"