Not a cover, just a plea

Okay, I know you all are sick of me saying I'm coming back to blogging and then blogging for a month or so and then abandoning the blog yet again, but here's the deal.  Since I lost my library job I've had a lot less chance to interact with books with horrid covers, and a lot less time to blog in.  Right now I'm working two jobs, one as a call center drone and one as a freelance proofreader.  Now, freelance proofreading provides me more opportunity to interact with books (I tend to like to do it in public at places like bookstores and coffee houses) and more time to blog (I proof a few pages and then HAVE to stare at something else for a few minutes or my eyes go gaga), but it's a side job while I spend 40 hours a week tethered to a phone in a sweatshop with no opportunity for wit or hilarity.  I'd like that to change, but I need your help.  I know a lot of you are associated with publishing.  If your publishing house (or you) uses freelance proofreaders, why not give me a try?  I'm super pedantic about things which makes me an idea proofer.  And I'm cheap (just ask my husband...).  And my dogs are cute.  That has nothing to do with anything, but I just thought I'd throw it in there.  More money for mommy means more treats for them, and how can you refuse these eyes??

So anyway, if you or anyone you know is looking for a proofreader, hook a maughta up.  You can reach me at hoopml at yahoo dot com, which is my secret identity.

And for the rest of you, keep me in your readers and feeds, because the beast will rise again (I just finished proofing the book of Revelation (spoiler: Babylon did it) so I know what I'm talking about here).  In the meantime, I recommend the following blogs for some bookish humor.

Pop Sensation
Good Show Sir
My First Dictionary
Book Cover Judge

Skirts! It must be Phallic Phriday?

Check it out!  A prudish nippleblind and a sexually suggestive sword situation.  It MUST be Phallic Phriday!

Anyone else waiting for that sword to slice through the belt and the kilt to sliiiiiiiide down...I've said too much...


(Thanks, Rich A, you appear to be gifted at phinding phalluses.)

Mammary Monday--Maughta goes to the Bookstore

The things I buy just to show you guys some tits....

And now, for a gratuitous dog picture:

Edward invites Jacob and friends to be in his wedding party

I must be spending entirely too much time on Wedinator, because the first thing I thought upon seeing this picture was that it was a picture of groomsmen and groom.  I'm still not sure it's not.  Either that, or the smash Broadway hit Cats in Space!

source

Unclean Tushie Tuesday.

Even the spirits are fleeing her tramp stamped tushie.

MoorMammamries!

I found a new blog, and I have a feeling I'll be stealing...erm...sharing a lot of their finds.  Her's a classic Mammary Monday cover!

Also....Moorcock!

Saturday Re-Post: Let Me IN!

 

I knew when I first saw this that it was the cover to begin this blog with. It probably influenced me to write the blog in the first place. I mean, it's just sooooo perfect. There's the pigs, the come-hither look on the mostly naked hunk, the hand in the process of removing the blanket (and uncovering more of the naked hunk?), the little fairie in the corner (the book is part of a series called "Faerie Tale Romance"), and oh, yeah, did I mention the PIGS?!?

Apparently this book is a take off on classic tale of the Three Little Pigs. Benjamin Wolfe's family is run out of Piggville, TX in his youth, only to return and, in revenge, attempt to seduce the three Pigg sisters (I swear, you can't make this shit up!). As the jacket says, "(h)e'd drag their family name through the mud, and see to it that, whether their homes were made of straw, sticks or brick, the sisters would ultimately be forced out of town."

Is there such a thing as driving a point into the ground and then stomping on it? Yes. Yes there is. Or, I suppose, have it trampled by pigs.

MLK is Responsible for this Post Being Late

All day yesterday I thought it was Monday and all day today I thought it was Tuesday.  In that vein, I present to you...TUSHIE TUESDAY!!!!  A day late and a dollar short, but, hello, BUTTS!  BUMS!  ARSES!  Today's cover features not just an exceptional ass, but also features a glowing turkey baster.  Just what every girl needs.  As submitter, Baron, says, BADONKADONK!

Does anyone else feel like this day is gonna turn into Urban Fantasy day??

How Many Tits do Cats Have, Anyway?

Okay, so it's not really a Mammary Monday post, but I was cleaning out my books and discovered this book that I bought (BOUGHT!, that's how much I love you guys) solely for the purpose of taking a picture and posting this on the blog.

It's a romance novel....

The heroine's name is Maggie (which is my real name, so it's special to me, just like Maggie, Girl of the Streets by Crane and "Dirty" Maggie Mae by the Beatles...okay, maybe those aren't good examples)...

And did I mention she's a cat??????

Ewwwwwww.

Daddy Long Legs Lost

Michael W. sent me this poor, lost, little girl.  Frankly, I'm a little more worried about her skeletal structure and GIANT CLOWN FEET than I am about her being lost.  And those arm-warmers could definitely be found on Regretsy.

However much this girl creeps me out, I do have to say that, overall, I'm really impressed with the "Hard Case Crime" book covers.  Taking oldish mystery books and reissuing them with throwback pulp covers is a great idea. They just REALLY failed on this one.

The Pre-Mammary Monday

As the submitter, Lola, points out, this seems to be a special Sweet Valley High edition of Big Love. All the ugly wives gang up on Taffy because of her blonde tresses. I would totally watch that.  Also, the cover artist was apparently busy the day they covered perspective in art school. Unless the redhead and the brunette really ARE seven feet tall.

Phallic Phriday!

I apologize for the size of this...

...The image, not the ax!  Sheesh, you people.


submitter: Sam S-B

The Melted.

You know what everyone needs? Boots that cover your calves but keep your toes free. Because you never know when you'll need your prehensile toes to help you slither up onto a deck, while somehow lit from the front (but back lit by a fire burns behind you), and something that looks like a fish or a flower or a, I don't know, open book or something attacks the ship behind you.

Also, darlin', I think you got a little too close to the fire. I'm afraid your face has melted.

2011 Seems like a good year to go to hell

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack! I've managed to crawl out of the pit of despair, only mostly dead, to once again bring you terrible, awful, horrendous, and highly hilarious book covers. And who better to start off the year with than Peek-a-Boo Jesus! I'm just dying to know what Aryan Jesus is hiding, don't you?

To my faithful hordes: Thank you for sustaining me in my hour of need. Jesus and I will be waiting, perhaps around the next corner, to jump out and shout, "Peek-a-boo!"



To my new readers: Welcome! This was once a very successful blog, and by golly, with your help, it will be so again!
To Biker Puppy: Thanks so much for sustaining the vibe. You rock!

In other news, I don't work in a library any more, so I need all the covers you can send me! Judgeabook@yahoo.com is open and taking suggestions. Mammary Monday and Phallic Phridays can't commence without your help. Thanks to Jane Dough for peek-a-boo Jesus!

And, as a shameless bit of friend promotion, my good friend Darin Bradley wrote a book. It's totally awesome and apocalyptic and you should go out and buy ten copies right now. The cover is rather cool, so I'll just let you cleanse your palate as you await the next installment of Judge. A. Book. By. Its. Cover. Be afraid.

Yet another thing that I would prefer NOT pop...

We had several popup books a few weeks ago, so I wasn't going to do another popup book post, but I absolutely love the cover of this book! Seriously, though, a popup on menopause?? What's next? The children's popup book on death?

The cover is brilliant, though. The flower (presumably the menopauseur) has clearly taken advantage of her doctor's offer of drugs -- lots of drugs -- to help with the symptoms. In fact, I'm pretty sure she doesn't care if the next hot flash causes her to burst into flames, 'cause she's feeling no pain. I assume that the reddish swirlies around her must represent hot flashes, and the blue ones must represent night sweats, or some other lovely symptom. When you open the book, if you turn to the hot flash page, a blowtorch comes at you and burns off your eyebrows, the night sweat page dumps a bucket of water on you, and the mood page appears blank, until a hand comes out of nowhere and smacks you upside the head. The stars on the cover art are clearly meant to represent sharp objects that randomly poke our heroine and make her extremely irritable. At least, that's what they would be doing if she weren't so happily drugged. When I finally reach that stage in life, I'm taking every single drug my doctor will offer me (and, because I live in California, I have more options than some of you), including every clinical trial that offers to end my suffering. I watched my mom go through it for almost 10 full years (much of that while my sister and I hit puberty -- poor Dad!!!), and there's no way I'm going to suffer in silence (or even suffer yelling and complaining like Mom did)!

I wish I could see inside this book! Amazon shows a couple pages, including a board game and quizzes! What else should be in this book? Tell me your thoughts!

Whenever I feel that my life sucks too much...

... I read this book.
Death is a subject too often thought of as a "heavy," depressing topic. What happened to the fun? What happened to the humor? What happened to making fun of death? Oh ... that was just MY family? Ok.

I absolutely adore the dinosaur's expression -- he looks so incredibly shocked and sad all at once. Deceptively simple yet amazing artwork, in my completely uneducated-about-art opinion.

Check out the pictures from inside (note, the ones of the old man are backwards, so start from the right or it won't make sense). Hilarious. I'm totally buying this book.

Happy Hump Day.*

(*please note: in no way am I implying that this book is appropriate for Hump Wednesdays on this blog. Even MY family isn't THAT weird. I'm just rejoicing that we're half way through the work week.)

Whose Line....?

Do you remember the television show Whose Line is it Anyway?" Originally a British TV show (actually, earlier than that it was a British radio show, but I digress -- damn you Wikipedia!), hosted by Clive Anderson, it was later copied in the US with Drew Carey as the host and regulars Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie and Wayne Brady. One of my favorite bits on the American version would have Colin and Ryan as infomercial pitchmen discussing (in that annoying way informercials do -- trust me, don't fall asleep in front of your TV if you value your sanity -- infomercials will sink into your brain and slowly destroy you) a CD set of songs about some topic randomly chosen from the audience. They mention a song style and a title and Wayne has to create a song on the spot. When I saw this book, I really thought it had to be a joke in that same vein, but I checked all-knowing, all-seeing, all-selling Amazon, and it's an actual book.

And check it out! It's got YODEL arrangements!! How awesome is that???

Of course, if you're not musically inclined, you shouldn't be excluded from the lumberjack song craze, right? For you, there's an absolute must-have for your vinyl collection:


Imagine, you are getting ready for your romantic evening; you've cleaned the house, dinner is in the oven, the wine is breathing (or whatever wine does when you uncork it and leave it to its own devices), you've got on your sexiest dress and highest heels, and Mr. Perfect should be here any second. How do you set the mood? Lumberjack songs!!! Put that baby on the spindle and get ready for more fun than is allowed in 12 states!!

I Felt a Little Dirty Clicking on the "See Larger Image" Link on Amazon

For your Hump Wednesday viewing pleasure (if you are THAT kind of person, anyway):


I'm kinda cheating here, since this was on Fail Blog, but.... Who thought this was ok? Especially with that creepy expression? At least we know why the boy is blushing.

Um... ew.

Are you a scab picker? I have to admit that I am. I don't know why, but I can't leave the little buggers alone. I mean, I'm not going to pry up a surgical staple, but there's something relaxing (to me) about pulling up the just-healed edge of a pile of red blood cells and platelets and peeking underneath. Actually, I don't even have to look at it -- it's more the sensation under my fingernail. Is that weird? That's not weird, is it? Why are you running away?

Anyway, apparently I'm not the only one with an odd fascination with the body's protective system. Here's an entire book about scabs. It claims to be the complete book of all scab knowledge (after all, "ALL" about scabs should mean ALL, right?). I may need to buy this and see if there's a name for my condition.


And if you liked the scab book, here's another by the same author. Clearly, the cover artist has never, ever, seen real breasts.

Dinner will be a bit late this evening....

It's that time of year again. Time to pack up the kids into the station wagon (or minivan for you yuppies) and set out on the open road for a long adventure, replete with the sounds of summer: "Are we there yet?" "He's touching me!" and the ever popular "I have to pee." This year, instead of stopping at questionably clean diners in the middle of nowhere, why not try cooking out with the family? This handy guide will make it a breeze to cook just about anywhere! Just think -- not only are you saving money by not having to tip that creepy waitress with the two teeth and the vericose veins mimicking an interstate highway map, but you'll be saving the world by using an already-existing heat source to cook your cuisine.

And for those of you who prefer to have even less impact on the environment, you can make sure you leave no morsel along the side of the road. Accidentally hit a skunk while reaching into the back seat to change the DVD? No problem! Throw it in the cooler and then throw it on your car engine when it's time for dinner!


And for those of you who, like me, prefer to travel on two wheels instead of four, there's the age-old question of what to do with all the bugs that get caught in your teeth. This book answers that question. I know for a fact that a Harley engine gets hot enough to fry an egg on (bump the pipes one time with a bare leg and you'll never question that again!), so you don't even need a car for this cuisine!


Enjoy!!