Just Returned to the Paperback Shelf

Haven't the green lizard people suffered enough? I mean, how much bowing and scraping does one hero need?! I personally thing taking guns to a trident fight is just poor taste. Poor drooly lizard people.

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Just a hint: when your book's FRONT cover looks more like a book's BACK cover, it's time to fire your cover designer.

Obviously geared toward the LONGARM fans, but without the gratuitous sex and violence. Which, really, takes all the joy out of it.

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And finally, for all you Phallic Phriday Phans (I pheel I've been neglecting you!):

Nuh UH! They did NOT just call her a SHEATH. Can you be any more obvious that your romance novel is about SEX?! Other titles:

The Train and the Tunnel

The Toad and the Hole

The Plug and the Socket

The Banana and the Hairy Clam

Help me out here!

From the Readers

Okay, so people seem to think that I was waaaaay off in the last post. Hey, what can I say, taste is subjective. But surely no-one finds the following covers (sent in by alert readers--keep 'em coming!) tasteful. Only subjective!

After seeing this cover, submitted by Amy, all I have a taste for is braaaaaaaaaains! Zombierific!

Faithful reader Jenna tells me that she saw someone furtively reading this book on the train. It reminded me of when I used to read bodice rippers in high school and would cover them with brown paper so people wouldn't know what I was reading. Which, now that I think about it, probably caused more eyebrows to raise than the cover itself!

I can't quite see on this screen, but I'm pretty sure that the little saying over the title says MISSION: Impassioned. My mission to you is keeping lunch down after seeing this!

And finally, a lovely contender for Mammary Monday (special Thursday night edition) sent in by Eunice. She tells me she went looking for this cover and stumbled onto http://www.goodgirlart.com/girlgangs.html. More mammary than you can deal with!

Gd, I love pulp covers! You go, Betty and Veronica!

What I'm Reading

So right at the moment I'm reading the Dante Valentine series by Lilith Saintcrow (surely a pseudonym, too fortuitous a name for someone who writes urban fantasy). It's a very good urban fantasy series and I enjoy it a lot. But I notice that after the first two books the publisher changed from Warner to Orbit (actually I've just discovered that it's still the same "Hatchett Book Group" so someone must have bought someone else out in the vast conspiracy to make sure there's only one book publisher on the planet, dammit!). Anyway, they also seem to have changed cover artists in the interim, so while the first two covers are scorching hot and rock:

Okay, the man in the flames is kinda cheesy and stupid, but can you go wrong with hot chick plus tattoo plus katana? NO!

My favorite aspect of this cover is that fact that the artist obviously read the book because this exact outfit was described in loving detail. Plus she's got a gun plus a whip plus a sword plus stilettos in her hair so she obviously kicks ass. I think the rendition is perfect, although I do wish the publisher hadn't included a blurb about the PREVIOUS book on the cover of this one, that's just bad form.

The last three simply suck. And that pisses me off. What the fuck happened? When did Danny turn into a transvestite? With some sort of creepy Rambo sword instead of a katana?? Someone really likes faux woodblock art. Blech. I wouldn't pick this book up if it were the first book. Bad artist! Bad! And so it continues:

The worst part of it is that they've re-published the first two books with the same artist who did the last three. Someone needs to get fired over this. Which would you pick up in the store?

Deal With This!

I want to have a large poster of this book cover. Then, when someone pisses me off, I can just point to it and say, "Hey, deal with THIS!" I don't know why this cover makes me just want to flash it at people, but it does. Perhaps it's the dippy belt.

Apparently Lucy Monroe "captures the heart of the genre," but I'd say she's capturing something a little lower than the heart.

Ya got a problem with that?! Hey, deal with THIS!

Naughty Nurses

So there's a restaurant in Denver that's one of my favorites. It's called White Fence Farm (funny story: When DocTurtle and I were first going out I talked about the restaurant to him and he thought I was saying White Friends Farm, which caused him to question my political leanings a bit...), and it has the best fried chicken and beets and bean salad and corn fritters ever. "Why in the hell is Maughta telling me this?" you may ask yourself. Well, self, the answer is that every January White Fence Farm closes for a month for "repairs and renovations" which is a fancy way of saying that they need to get new menus printed up with a new and exciting jacked-up price.

In that same spirit, Judge a Book took a little hiatus for the month of February to repair and renovate. And jack-up the prices. Well, not really, but in the spirit of keeping this blog ad-free I've added a DONATE button to the sidebar. Help Maughta buy more books. What else are you gonna do with your tax return?

But Maughta, you say, why have you tempted us with the title Naughty Nurses (take THAT, google safe search!) and then talked about nothing for two paragraphs? You're absolutely right! Let the Naughty Nurses roll!

First up is a little something I like to call TOO MUCH SHIT ON THE COVER!

We've got nine elements:
* Silhouette
* Desire
* 15 Years (in a banner)
* Man of the Month (in trendy font)
* Author as Seen on Primetime TV (let's hope it was on Cops)
* Author's name (no-one really cares)
* Itty-bitty little title (no-one really cares about that, either)
* A blurb by NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR JAYNE ANN KRENTZ! (community service, perhaps?)
* And finally, to pull it all together, Skanky-Ralph-Macchio as NURSE.

Wow, Cover Artist, how did you manage to fit that all on the cover of a little tiny paperback? And make it so fantastically lame? Well done.

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The following is a community service message: DO NOT BE TEMPTED TO SELF PUBLISH YOUR BOOK. People will only make fun of you.

This book is $20 on Amazon. I hope Leeanne has a lot of friends willing to shell that out.

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I'd choose to not stand by the smokestacks, myself. And to not wear that stupid collar. But seriously, how does a girl decide between a Sugar Daddy and a studly blond Doctor? It can't be done, I tell ya!

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The Beach Boys can only dream about such things. Oh, Laurie, don't lose your Doctor to the waves! Why else get your RN degree unless it comes with an MRS degree to a pretty MD? I hope a shark eats their faces. (Thanks, Eric, although perhaps I should have used this for Phallic Phriday?)

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And finally, a challenge for Nurse Genie and her chiropractor. A nice close-up of the creepy hands on the back there. (Thanks, Jeanne Genie!)