Good Monday Morning!

This is a phenomenon of fantasy novel covers that I just don't understand. Slightly bigger pic of the cover art below (Title is In the Rift.)








Why would any sane woman (maybe I presume too much?) wear a cloak, a fur chastity belt, fur-lined boots and all-over leather for warmth in a harsh winter climate, yet leave her chest completely uncovered? I suppose it's a good strategy for luring silly male adventurers into her wily trap, but it can lead to all manner of health problems. Seriously, that's sensitive skin she's leaving open to frostbite; after all, nothing is more attractive than a woman whose nipple has cracked off from cold, right? Eww. I'd point out that she apparently carries her dagger in a scabbard meant for a full sized sword, but that's outside the scope of a Mammary Monday post.



On the same theme, this girl (I assume it's a girl from the brassiere, but the face makes me question that assumption) is so impressed with her own abs that she's willing to risk losing her tatas to the cold just to show them off! Not to mention that bare skin is a terrible defense against a spear!

I'm going to start a new Facebook group: Women for more sensible armor. Who's with me??

Er... mammary Tuesday anyone?

I'm a day late with this, but hopefully it's funny enough to make up for the delay.
I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be some sort of evil all-seeing eye (and perhaps a goofy play on the title -- See of Monsters?), but all I see is an enormous nipple on an even more enormous tata, being supported by a rope bridge. I guess when your boob is that big, you can't find a really cute, lacy bra (I mean, this must be a ZZZZZZZ cup or something), but a bridge?? Hire a seamstress! And please, for the sake of decency (and the sanity of those poor people escaping across your bra) cover that eyenipple!!

What are you trying to protect against?

Yikes! This has to be the most frighteningly overdrawn "armor" I've ever seen. It's like the artist couldn't stop adding to it once he or she got going. For starters, unless this is some sort of powered armor (it moves itself) or is made of aluminum foil, I doubt she's going anywhere. As it is, she's forced to stand with her feet almost painfully far apart! But maybe that's just to let her tail show? Or are those swords hanging from her back? It seems to me there's no way she can reach them if they are. I suspect she can't reach the guns on her legs either.

Are those dinosaurs on her shoulders? I suppose we all could use extra "allies" if we need them, but I'd hate to have carnivorous monsters attached so close to my head. Imagine the breath you'd smell when the wind was from the right direction....

And what is with the raised bubble? Maybe it can lower to cover her head, but if it did, she'd look like a mon calamari!



And to top it all off, she's wearing jewelry! Looks like she just got back from Mardi Gras.

Sultry Sunday #32 - The weekly "Pop Sensation" crossover

Today, not just a twofer or a threefer, but a fourfer — continuing my countdown of the 57 books I recently acquired at my local University's Book Sale. Please enjoy Books 8-11.

*****

A Mess of March ... I'm moving all the NGAIO MARSH titles to the front of the queue (literally, Roger Daltrey sang the word "queue" as I typed it just now ... freaky coincidence) because one of my readers seems to have a thing for her :)

Book 8: Singing in the Shrouds (Berkley, 1960)
Cover artist: photo?

• A book that takes on the collapsing telecommunications system, apparently
• Her miniskirt has its own miniarm.

• Finally, someone has tamed the wild, native, animalistic mystery novel and made it "civilized literature." Where's my houseboy with the tea!?

Book 9: Death of a Peer (Pocket 475, 1947)
Cover artist: Aargh, uncredited

• This lady's got Fear Hand (TM). In fact, she appears to have a double case of it.
• Ouch. Skeleton key to the eye. That's gotta hurt.

• Well if it's WEALTHY, of course we care...

Book 10: Death of a Fool (Avon T-254, late '50s)
Cover artist: Uncredited

• Fear Hand! (TM)
• Jenny recoils in horror as she sees that her gardener has failed to blow all the leaves off her front lawn. And squirrels on her bird-feeders!? Oh, the humanity.

• Inspector Alleyn arrives to cut through the heathen nonsense of the simple souls. Civilization! God save the Queen, wot!

Book 11: Swing, Brother, Swing (Pocket 762, 1951)
Cover artist: Lew Keller

• "Swing, Brother, Swing ... for Hepcats only, man!"
• Secret ingredient to all good mystery cover copy — just add "... with DEATH!"

• I'm sorry, I started laughing at "accordion" and haven't stopped yet

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]

We're going to Pump You Up!

Stolen shamelessly from Awful Library Books is this little gem guaranteed to increase that most important muscle...no, not the lurve muscle, we'll leave that for Phridays, but rather the MIND muscle!


Because not only does he have shiny shoulders and no neck, but he has a Doctorate! In education!!* And he's apparently overcompensating with that party-in-the-back hair.

*You ever notice that the only people who put letters after their names are writing books only tangentially related to said degree?

Freudian?

Admit it. You read that title as "Black Ass Blood" the first time, didn't you!

If this woman stands up straight, she won't fall over, but only because her butt sticks out as much in the back as her boobs do in the front. They balance each other out.

Don't get too close, Mr. Skeleton -- she could poke your eye out with those pointy gravity-defying mams!

*Sorry Maughta, I couldn't find any good Phallic Phriday covers, so I went with the easier-to-find mammary/booty cover.




And just because it amused me so much last time, behold: another Jimmy Doohan novel!




I'm pretty sure his head is actually a space station in this one. I am sure this appears somewhere in the story:

"Doohan Station, this is Derra Privateer, requesting permission to dock with Nostril 1."

"Permission granted, Derra Privateer. Please proceed through mustache for decontamination prior to docking."

Sultry Sunday #31: The Pop Sensation Crossover

Hey. It's been nearly four months since I posted over here. Uh... sorry? I was busy? The dog ate it? Anyway, behold this woman:

-----

Paperback 302: Bantam 407 (1st ptg, 1948)

Title: Behold This Woman
Author: David Goodis
Cover artist: William Shoyer


Best things about this cover:

• Only four?
• Behold these boobs!
• Love the guy's hand: "... must ... not ... fondle ..."
• Notice how often woman is front and center on pb covers while man is off to side, lopped off, seen from behind, kind of in shadows, etc. Woman is meant to be a very particular dish, while man is usu. a kind of Everyman. Or Anysap, I guess.
• Now that I look more closely at the picture, I think that the guy is an interior decorator who is having a coronary after witnessing the pink rococo orgasm that is this room.

Best things about this back cover:

• I'm going to go with ... the knife jammed into the window sill. Yes, that's the best thing.
• Actually, I'm loving the little blue and pink Yes / Buts.
• Wow, the original cover girl for "Behold This Woman" was all kinds of ugly.

Page 123~

The gray-haired man was annoyed. "What do you mean, help you?" he said. "What do you take me for, an ignoramus?"

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]

From our good friends over at Boing Boing (via my good friend, Rima) comes this truly delightful Phallic Phriday installation for your perusal and enjoyment.


There's so much to love about this cover I don't even know where to begin! Should I start with the naked woman with bubble-boobs holding a smoking dildo, or the slathering-mawed vagina dentata we've got going on in the lower right? Nah, let's just skip to the chase, shall we, and focus in on the turgid and pointy shaft our hero (he of the many extra muscles) is wielding against said vaginal gaping maw. Eeeek!

Phallic Phriday '70s Style!

Looks like our friends over at Retrospace are havin' fun with book covers! Check out what's on tap for their book club this month!



Look, do you even need me to spell it out anymore (spell it out, get it!!)? Candles = phallus. Hot chick with her thighs wide open clutching a candle on a book cover = Phallic Phriday phun!

For those of you who like to learn a skill while you read...

Did you know there is actually a market for mysteries revolving around knitting? And needlework? And crocheting? And scrapbooking? Well, now you know. Each of these below is part of a series.

From Amazon: When Angelina's body washes up in the cove, Izzy and her knitting group vow to discover who hated Angelina enough to want the woman dead. A knitting pattern for a scarf rounds out a cozy many will find an ideal beach read.

Dyer Consequences (A Knitting Mystery)

From Amazon: Readers may guess early on who’s responsible for the mayhem, but, happily, the why unwinds more slowly. Knitters will welcome the pattern for the same cloche hat that Kelly is knitting, and a recipe for pecan pie goes down easy, too.

Unraveled Sleeve (Needlecraft Mystery)

From Amazon: And when she dreams of a murder before it happens, she really isn't going to get any rest until she untangles the crime.

By Hook or by Crook (Crochet Mystery Series #3)

From BN.com: Meet the happy crafter who believes every mystery should be unraveled.

Death Swatch: A Scrapbooking Mystery (Scrapbooking Mysteries)

From Amazon: Well-developed main and secondary characters mesh nicely with the vibrant setting and with details on the design of scrapbook pages.

Now I'm not knocking these as hobbies -- I have actually knitted quite a few scarves in my time (and potholders, and anything else rectangular). But it never occurred to me to seek out knitting mysteries. I wonder if there's crochet sci fi? "As I crocheted the last few stitches to my new space suit, I thought ahead to how the needlework on my cargo captain patch might be designed...."

Don't Drink and Design (covers)

If you drink and drive, the ghostly face of Elizabeth Taylor will appear and and her eyeball will be in your steering wheel. Like it's not hard enough to concentrate on the road!

Hey, at least her hands are at the 10 and 2!

Thanks, Awful Library Books!

Happy Phriday!

Is everyone looking forward to the weekend? Probably not as much as this guy:



As if him being butt naked on the cover wasn't enough, phallicky images still abound on this cover: her ears, her tail, and of course those tentacles!! Creepy -- if I were her, I'd be worrying about what those tentacles were up to! For the guys, we have a lovely side-boob, and I think the moon is meant to be a mammary symbol too. Two questions. First, what is wrong with his fingers? They're... creepy. Second, why is she still wearing her watch?


Next, we have a look back to a time when creepy old scientists gently held their telescopes in the presence of their young ... proteges. The protege looks clearly uncomfortable. What's less clear is what that is on his arm. A band-aid? Or a weird European tribal tattoo?


Finally, while this certainly doesn't meet the requirements of a Phriday post, it made me laugh out loud. Seriously loud. My coworker in the next office came over to see if I'd snapped. (Maybe I have, but I still think the cover is hilarious!)



Why is Scotty's head floating in space? Is he supposed to be a character in addition to the co-author? Even still, WHY IS HIS ENORMOUS HEAD FLOATING IN SPACE???? I also love the "special" effect ($5.99) of that ship blowing up, or growing a purple star, or... whatever.

TGIF!

I know I suck

Yes, it's been a while. I'm busy trying to get things in my life together (never fun!). I'm working for kgb_, the text answering service. Got a question? Text 542542. I'm making half as much as I made at the library (and a third as much as I made at the library in Illinois, yay unions!) but having a lot of fun. I'm also creating beautiful works of art that can be yours for the low price of not $99, not $55, but EIGHT DOLLARS EACH! Check out my etsy store!

And finally, I'd like to thank...squeeeeeeeeeeek....

More Phucked Up than Phallic

Okay, this is kinda phallic, so it's appropriate for posting on Phallic Phriday. But that is the only way in which it is appropriate.

Let me allow Alissa, who submitted the cover to judgeabook@yahoo.com, to set it up for you:

My day job actually involves getting librarians to judge books by covers as I sell books, but bring only a stack of book covers with me. Imagine my surprise when I was sorting this month's covers and came across the book Dead Pet by Andrew Kirk. My first thought that it must be some sort of sick joke book, but this is not a humor book, but a book meant to give tips on a dignified send-off for a deceased pet. The cover, therefore, is completely baffling.

Hmmmm, dignified send-off, eh? Let's take a look at this cover!



Yeaaaaaaaaah. That's as dignified as heckling the president. Maybe more so?

Vote for ME!!!

Vote here for me. I'm nominated in the Special Interest Category. More Mammaries and Phalluses for everyone!

Time for Phalluses

From the adorable Rex Parker comes this gem:

Behold! His Priday Phallus is so bold and magical everyone must shade their eyes! "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Lend me your..." Yeah, you get where I'm going.

Bellybutton Baen Day

What comes between Mammary Monday and Phallic Phriday? Bellybutton Baen Day, of course! Those of you who are new readers may not be familiar with the special place in our hearts we reserve for Baen covers. In fact, I typically assume that when I see a crazy sci-fi cover that it's gonna be a Baen. So I pooped round to Baen's website today, to see what kind of groovy crazy shit we can see today. Welcome, once again, to the wacky world of Baen!



He's holding something, but I don't think it's made of stone! Let's count the phallic images, shall we? We've got the sword, the castle in the background, the broken stumpy thing in the background, even the little old man's head looks kinda phallicky. Am I missing any?

Is anyone else thinking, "jump jump jump jump"? Quick question: How long do you think an unprotected human can last in the dead of space? No, I'm sorry Douglas Adams, the answer is not almost thirty seconds. Your blood would boil long before that. Cats, on the other hand, can last indefinitely. It's one of their little known evil powers.

And finally, a perfect example of why Baen gets its own day in between Mammary Monday and Phallic Phriday. Mammaries and phallicies in the same cover--SCORE! Okay, so it's not so much the painted-on suits or the chubby guns that have fascinated me about this cover. Rather, it's the fishbowl that she's clutching. They can paint on body armor suitable for space, but you still need a bubble-head helmet? Guess she doesn't want to mush her '90s perm.

On zee Continent Zey Adore zee Mammary Mondays

Faithful reader Paolo F. sends us this gem from Italy. Heck, I can't read it*, I'll let him explain!

Behold in all its HD glory the cover of the first Italian edition of"QUINTO PIANETA" by Fred Hoyle(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifth_Planet), Feltrinelli editions,circa 1966.

Translation for the (many) italian-impeded:---------------------

FRED HOYLE one of the greatest scientists of our time

AND GEOFFREY HOYLE

science fiction

Feltrinelli

FIFTH PLANET

After that trip into space his wife was not the same---------------------

Please note:

- the sexploitation-inspired half-naked green girl with grey head and puny breasts

- the pasted-over red russian helmet and Zontar belt

- the lovely ladies and Kruschev lookalike pondering her arse

- the faded zone underneath her armpit, clearly indicating that something nasty is coming out of there

- the blurb

- man I love that blurb text - it is especially offensive when you consider that one of the authors is "one of the greatest scientists of our time"

----------------------------------------

Thanks, Paolo F! Just as a note, DocTurtle tells me that Fred Hoyle, the noted astronomer, was known for a while as the most pre-eminent scientist who denied the Big Bang Theory. Guess the green chick is just a little bang! Bada bing.

*What do you call a person who can speak three languages? Trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call a person who can only speak one language? American

I see dead people!

I don't know which makes me laugh harder, the title or the picture. Let's start with the picture. Doesn't this look like your junior high school spring dance? The girls are all huddled together, and a poor guy is trapped in the corner, unable to get past them without them noticing, and being forced to listen to them talk about how cute this boy is, and how sexy that one is, knowing he'll never make the list. He's so far below their notice that they don't even see him there. Of course, for their part, they are enviously eyeing the girls who have dates and dance partners, and sadly contemplate dancing with each other just to be out there where the action is.

The title is hilarious! I need to see if my library has this book! I guess the guy is supposed to be a ghost, but he just looks like a creepy stalker. Just think, next time you think you're alone, you could really have some nicely coiffed ghost "attached" to you. Think it's safe to pick your nose or scratch an itch (one that would not be socially acceptable to scratch)? Only if you don't care if the dead are watching!!! And maybe touching you. Like a stalker, but worse! No restraining order can save you!! Out, demon! The power of Christ compels you!!

Honor and Glory!

My readers rock. You know how I know this? 'Cause I've been nominated for a Book Blogger Appreciation Award in the best Special Interest Blog category. *sniff* I'm so chuffed. It's an honor to be nominated and be in such glorious company with Rex Parker's Pop Sensation and Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, among others.


But! I need your help. I need to submit five of my posts that best represent my blog. Any suggestions? A Baen book, perhaps? Definitely have to throw in a Mammary Monday and a Phallic Phriday submission. But which? I'm stumped. What do you think??


In other news, look to the left------>


There's a link for my etsy store. I add new stuff all the time. Buy something and I will offer you the opportunity to guest blog a book cover or two. You know you want to. You can also scroll down for my Paypal "donate" link if you aren't feeling in the need of something crafty. If you've already bought something or donated something and would like to take advantage of this opportunity, throw me a line over at judgeabook@yahoo.com.


And, since I can't leave you alone without a book cover to snark on...Here's a note from my former supervisor along with a cover. Is her head on fire???