7.08.2007

Disregard the First Paragraph

For some reason Blogger is not letting me title my post. BUT I WILL NOT ALLOW ADVERSITY TO UNDERMINE MY MISSION! No indeed! I will push on titleless! I shall overcome! Ha! As Maughtamom would say, SO THERE!


I just can't be deterred today and I'll tell you why. I've done another little trip to the popular fiction section of my local everything-plus-the-kitchen-sink-at-a-discount store, and boy did I come across some gems. How about this one?

It's the title that really drew me to this one (babies in bondage? Ewwwww), but the belt buckle and the cuff links that keep me wanting more. You know he's a millionaire 'cause he's got BLING. If you can only have one millionaire per month, choose the one with the key to his hotel room nonchalantly draped over his hand. There's class.


C'mon, we all know this is Firehouse 69 with additional pedophilic action. The halo over his head and the loose pants say it all, really.

Please please please tell me these two are not twins. 'Cause that's just NASTY. Maybe the "Times Two" refers to the swans in the background? Mmmmmm, them's good eatin'. I'm glad to know this is an American Romance, because the idea of romance between, I don't know, Scandinavians or Botswanas just holds no interest to me. Patriotism, you know. I don't want to read about romance between commie pinko bastards. Only romance from the good ole U S of A will do for this patriot!

Ahhh, the best for last. Something about this just, I don't know, CREEPS ME OUT!!! As we all know, women only exist as a vessel for a man's seed. They don't even need a head. And what's with the "Sorority sisters friends for life" bit? Non sequitur much?

UPDATE: Thanks to faithful reader Bryan R. Terry, there is now a title. Unfortunately, it fenged the shui of the first paragraph, but these things happen. C'est la vie.

12 comments:

DocTurtle said...

Hey, at least the stars of all of these covers have the correct number of limbs. Nevertheless, as you point out, there's something inherently creepy about a cover consisting almost entirely of a kneeling man kissing a pregnant woman's abdomen...oops, I almost wrote "abdemon" there...although that wouldn't have been far off the mark.

Now, as someone who doesn't read this sort of thing, I have to admit amazement at the sheer amount of data contained on each Harlequin cover: there's more informational stimulus on one of these puppies than there is during a college football game on ESPN. I'm assuming that "times two" means...maybe there are two romances going on at once? But what in the hell does "Firehouse 59" mean? Is there an entire series of discreetly trashy novels dedicated to the pole-slidin' action of the men of this single fire station?

Dave said...

Did you ever see the movie:
Sorority Babes at the Slime Ball Bowlerama ?
Well, don't. The title is great but the story stinks. The writer only had seven good words in his brain then he wrote the rest of the story.

Bryan R. Terry said...

To add a title now on Blogger, you actually have to click the word "title" in the "Create a post" page. Very annoying, I know.

Josh said...

To follow up on what DocTurtle said, I'm pretty sure each bit of information on a romance novel cover indicates what sub-sub-sub-series this book belongs to. Like "Times Two" is probably a whole series dedicated to romances involving identical twins. (Think of the hijinks! Hey, it worked for Shakespeare...) And "sorority sisters" is probably about a tight-knit group of college classmates who are always there for each other when they get ... uh ... knocked up and then their babbydaddy CREEPILY NUZZLES THEIR SWOLLEN BELLY. Jesus Christ but that's horrifying.

Josh

plusaconstant said...

Thanks to the last post, on each of these book covers, I obsessively check everyone's hands. The pregnant woman's left hand is on the back of the guy's head. But where is her left arm? I can almost see it behind his head, but it looks like she must have weird E.T. arms if it bends that low.

Snow said...

GROSS GROSS GROSS! I'm having a strong irrational reaction to "Nine Months' Notice."

And what kind of title is "Bound by the Baby?" Never mind that the guy on the cover is incredibly creepy. With Millionaire of the Month in the title, I can only think that some conniving harpy (is there any other kind?) seduced Mr. Bling and is now requesting child support payments. That sounds like great romance.

Nyssa23 said...

Josh, wouldn't it be creepier if somebody *besides* the babydaddy were nuzzling her belly?

...Just sayin'.

Kelly said...

The fireman kinda looks like Andy Samberg.

http://www.imdb.com/gallery/granitz/6164/Events/6164/AndySambe_Steve_14205602_400.jpg.html?path=pgallery&path_key=Samberg,%20Andy

yellojkt said...

There are so many sub-genres of romance. It's like highly fetishized porn. Something for every taste.

p dog said...

Hey Maughta I finally figured out how to force Blogger not to fuck around with line heights at random. This piece of html (in angle brackets of course) at the beginning of the post will do it:

span style="line-height:150%"

and then close it at the end of the post with

/span

I can't put the angle brackets in the comment of course b/c Blogger goes all fembot.

PS: "count the hands" that is AMAZING.

best, :paula

Maughta said...

pdog:

That is definitely some of the most useful advice I've gotten in a while. Thanks! It's been vexing me.

nbm said...

Are the nuzzler and the pregnant lady sorority sisters? Because I think that's another genre entiely.