5.06.2007

My pecs are freakin' huge!!


Oh-h-h-h-h yeah! How could I call myself a snarker of book covers if I don't Sfehm;dakg;lhbdf;bgshei'wr;t...Oh, damn, sorry for that. Spider just fell on my head. And it looks like this!


I was just yesterday bragging to my colleagues at the library that I liked this spider 'cause it mostly hung out on my ceiling and ate ants (Chez Maughta seems to have its share of ceiling-dwelling ants). So let me clarify. I like spiders when they hang out on my ceiling and eat ants. I DO NOT like spiders when the fall on my head.


Where was I? Oh, yeah, I was about to say that no self-respecting snarkette of book covers would neglect to snark on Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman. So here you go. I call this one, "My pecs are freakin' huge!!"



Let's look at the closeup, shall we?



Oh, yes, mullet-boy is about to be imbued with the fiery phallic power of the Darksword, here being modeled by some guy who would look much more appropriate as a distinguished lawyer or judge than he looks in wizard's robes wielding a flaming sword. Didn't anyone tell the cover artist that wizard=white beard? Sheesh, do I have to do everything? At least our esteemed artist followed the convention that hulking, mulleted heros-ala-Hercules are always bare chested, even when working in a freakin' forge! (See, mom, I can watch my language.) Third degree burns, anyone?

14 comments:

DocTurtle said...

For the sake of historical accuracy, I feel it necessary to note that the spider that fell on Maughta's head was roughly this: <---> wide. Her name is Philipa. She eats ants. She's a peace-loving spider, and is thinking of bringing a suit against Maughta for defamation of character through use of a highly inflammatory photograph taken at close range. (Said photo is of Philipa's great uncle Steve, whom she says "was notoriously fond of frightening crib-bound infants.")

Meanwhile, about this book...I thought it was supposed to be the Darksword. WTF? Don't look that dark to me.

And just who is this muscle-bound hero? Don Dokken? Kip Winger? The lawyerly sword-forger looks kinda like Christopher Lee to me, so I guess that gives him some measure of fantastical credibility.

Does this book purport to be "high" fantasy, or just "maybe a little bit above shoulder height, right next to your head" fantasy?

Maughta said...

Let's see a spider fall on your head, DocTurtle, and how big you think it is! Humph.

Anonymous said...

In my local bookstore they used to have one of these stand-up displays featuring a full color photorealistic illustration of Fabio stripped to the waist. It was up for months, more as a gag than promotion I believe, and every time I'd come around that corner I'd have this fraction of a second of shock believing that there was a four foot tall naked guy standing in the store before I'd remember what it was.

Snow said...

The giant pecs don't bother me much as the crack on this shoulder and the lines on his face. It's like he's made of wax and melting.

I remember when that book came out. My first though was along the lines "Is there money in using magic to counterfeit swords?" followed by "Duh! There's another meaning to the word forge." I also remember that I couldn't make myself finish reading the book.

Megs said...

No fair making fun of my boyfriend!

Alexander Strange said...

Somewhere in my vast piles of awful paperbacks, I have a Dragonlance book whose cover is a picture of three women wearing fur bikinis. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with my being 12 when I bought it.

Andrew said...

Phidippus audax!

I love those guys!

(and I HATE spiders...)

Random one said...

Uuuuh, did anyone notice the fact that Mulletman's nipples are missing? Where'd you go, nipples? Now, that'd be a good pet name.

Joshua said...

I would like to point out that the "wizard" forging the darksword is not , technically, a wizard. He's a sort of priest. And the sword isn't magical, it's anti-magical, because everyone in the world has magic except for Mullet Boy and that makes him seriously rage. Then an army from Earth invades via a space portal and shit really gets ugly!

Snow said...

Random One, I don't think that they're totally missing. Check the inset photo. Although on further inspection, I think you may be right. While Mulletboy was born without nipples, mosquitos find him delicious and frequently bite him on his giant pecs. You know, if he just wore a shirt, he wouldn't have that problem.

Anonymous said...

If the wizard had had a long white beard, it would have been singed off as he leaned over his glowing forge. . . .

Shalen said...

Hi! Just a note to say I love your blog (I got here from mutantreviewers.blogspot.com, where we blog stuff related to our cult film site).

I, too, am a big fan of Phidippus Audax, the Daring Jumping Spider. We have them around our house. I love how they have binocular vision so that, when they tilt their little cephalothorax back and look at you, they are actually looking at you for real. It's hilarious how they fiddle their little palps and then dive off my hand when they realize they've been captured by a Giant Pink Thing.

They also eat flies, which they can pounce on in midair.

I love spiders.

Also, Darksword...

Bwa ha ha haaaa.

Gregory said...

Your blog is great--especially terms like "mullet boy!" Yes! Yes! Keep it up; thanks for the fun!

RedSonja said...

I know I'm WAAAAAAY late on this one, but I couldn't help but point out that the "forger" looks just like Anthony Steward Head, Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV, not movie). Just sayin. And while Giles is hot, this cover is NOT. (bad rhyme, totally inadvertant)