Some things shouldn't pop....

As a little kid, I enjoyed popup books. The thrill of turning the page and being surprised by an elephant, a tree, or a flying trapeze was too much for me to resist! There's a wonderful connection that a child makes with something that literally springs off the page.

Why, then, did someone think THIS was a good idea???
I have no interest in turning the page and seeing a big hairy spider jumping out at me! Or, worse yet, a clown! Ack!! That would send me to the psych ward!!

This is little better!

Imagine, a gaggle of clowns (or is it a pod? a flock?) popping out into your face? Or an image of you naked in the middle of the office! Or a long, dark hallway with too many shadows and too many doors. Or ... whatever your worst nightmare entails (I expect details in the comments, people!! Nightmares and phobias!) This book is unnecessary, and like the one above it, very likely to cause permanent psychological trauma.

Then there's this one.

This one, I have to say, has potential.

Maybe your time would better be spent elsewhere....

My sister is one of those odd people who spends literally hours in the bathroom. Not doing her hair, fixing her makeup or shaving various parts of her body. She's sitting on the toilet. Reading. Sharing a house (and later -- for one awful year -- an apartment) with her meant constantly being told I could pee in "just a few more minutes." I'm not sure why she found that to be the most comfortable seat in the house. To my knowledge, she didn't have any severe bowel problems that required a long-term commitment. She just liked the privacy. And maybe the accoustics. I never understood it.

However, for any of you who are like my sister, and really enjoy being in the bathroom, here's a lovely book for you. Personally, I would never do this to my bathroom, even if I could sit in the living room to actually make the creations. Why? Do I hate origami? No! Having lived in Japan for a while, I found it to be a delightful part of their culture. Do I have an aversion to toilet paper? Ask some of my childhood neighbors and you'll find that I had quite an affinity for the stuff (and quite a good throwing arm!). The problem is this. When I walk into someone's "guest" bathroom and the towels are very lovely and perfectly arranged, I feel a little guilty using them. I know that's what they're for, and I know that (since I've just washed my hands) I won't be rubbing mud all over them, but it just makes me uncomfortable. Thus, I'd feel like my guests might feel that, if there's origami on the roll, they shouldn't use it. The sign of a good hostess is to make one's guests feel as comfortable as possible. This could cause discomfort, and therefore cannot be allowed in my home. Plus I'm kinda lazy.

However, for those of you who like the idea of bathroom origami, there's this book:
Now your towels and your TP can all be decorative in the extreme. I actually like towel origami -- when I visited Egypt, the young men who performed the maid services in the smaller hotels and especially on the Nile cruise ships would always leave the cutest origami on the beds. Here were some of my favorites (the crocodile attacking the snake was in the hallway) for your entertainment:

Beware!

Won't somebody think of the children????



There's so many awesome things about this cover, but I just have to commend the props master for giving the doll a "black eye"!

Thanks to Awful Library Books! If they weeded all these books, there'd be nothing left to snark on!

Outside looking in

Many years ago, while in a college cultural anthropology class, I read several articles designed to demonstrate that looking at a culture from the outside often gives a distorted picture of that culture or people. My favorite example was Body Ritual Among the Nacirema, a facinating look from the late '50s at a culture - familiar to most of us - from the point of view of someone completely unfamiliar with said culture. I highly recommend reading it (and let me know if you can't identify the people being discussed). In that same class, we read another essay that purported to be an extraterrestrial's view of Human society, indicating how Humans worship balls of all sorts. Our television and in-person gatherings are often devoted to balls, as is a large percentage of time and/or space on our news-dissemination services. In fact, there's apparently one ball-focused gathering that takes place on a particular Sunday in February when millions upon millions of Humans from all over the world (although most particularly in the central part of the North American continent) stop all other life activities and worship a brown oblong ball and the priests who are permitted to handle it. Facinating. (I tried to find the essay for you, but googling "worship" and "balls" doesn't really give the result I was looking for - don't try it at work!)

These essays and others like them have stuck with me for years. When I visited Egypt, I wondered how much of the interpretation modern scholars impose on the tomb and temple paintings is as "accurate" as ball worship and the shrines of the Nacirema. Most of the prominant scholars are separated by distance, religion and culture, but also by thousands of years of development and change. Did they take these images completely out of context, simply because much of the other cultural indicators were lost?

What hope, then, for future generations to understand American society, when books like these are found by our distant descendants?

Stock up for your next road trip!

So you're planning a road trip with the kids this summer, but you want to do it old school, the way your own parents did with you. No DVD player or PSPs, no iPods or books on tape. You want the family to experience the joy of togetherness, trapped in a wood-paneled station wagon with no air-conditioning, sweaty thighs sticking to the vinyl seats, kids complaining about siblings entering "their space" on the seat, middle kid whining about having to sit on the hump, with radio stations fading in and out as the miles wear on.... Ahhhh, good times. Or, at least, they make good stories to tell the younger generation. Seriously, though, if you're going to do this kind of old school trip, you need to have a good songbook of old favorites ("She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain" and "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" are always big hits!) and some games to play. Licence plate bingo gets a little dull when traveling through the Dakotas, as you're more likely to pass a cow than a car, so here are some books that will help you pass the time, while teaching valuable lessons to the kids!

First, we have What Bird Did That? A driver's guide to some common birds of North America. Finally, you'll know which bird to blame for that atomic blast covering your entire windshield! Next, we have the ever-popular Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide to Common Animals of Roads, Streets and Highways (Revised). Now you'll be able to distinguished a squished woodchuck from a splattered opossum and look like a pro!
Finally we have That Gunk on Your Car: A Unique Guide to Insects of North America. What a treasure this is. They come at you so fast and leave such a colorful mess that you can't help but wonder "what the hell was that??" (This is also useful for motorcycle riders to help figure out what kind of protein they just swallowed.) Fun for the whole family!

And finally, when you get home from your trip, tired and sweaty, you'll want to know what kind of animals crapped all over your lawn while you were away. Was it the neighbor's cat again? Or are coyotes coming down from the hills for the summer? Or were the rumors of bear sightings true? Now you'll know exactly with this handy dandy guide. What Shat That?: A Pocket Guide to Poop Identity.
Happy trails!!

Um, what??

This has to be the funniest title I've seen in a long time. I imagine that to male readers, it's also quite frightening. You're curious what it's about, aren't you? Admit it. You are. Ok, here's part of a review on Amazon.com:

Imagine a world without men where the only way a woman can reproduce is with the help of a giant computerized incubator and a genetically engineered sex toy. Now imagine that this sex toy is intelligent. It has emotions and a soul. It hopes and dreams and it falls in love. This is the premise of Carlton Mellick III's RAZOR WIRE PUBIC HAIR. One of the main characters "The Sister" is a nymphomaniac who is covered from head to toe in vaginas. Celsia is an Amazon warrior with pubic hair made of razor wire. The main character is a genetically engineered hermaphrodite sex toy named Celsia 2 who longs to be loved by his/her owner. Oh, but wait, there's more ... there's sex starved zombies, hordes of marauding rapists, twat frogs, a hoota beasts that is basically just a big hairy vagina with legs, and still another giant talking and apparently quite wise vagina built into the wall of the mansion in which many of these creatures reside. What's most bizarre is that none of this seems to be there for pure shock value. In fact, this perverse menagerie of beings are presented in such a matter of fact manner that it is as if the last thing the author wants is for you to be shocked by them. He wants you to just accept them so that he can just get on with his story. And what a story it is! RAZOR WIRE PUBIC HAIR is the touching tale of a living, breathing, thinking, sex toy that is hopelessly in love with its owner who views it as little more than an object. This book could be a metaphor for so many sexual relationships where one partner is dominant and the other is submissive, struggling to be seen as more than merely an object of lust but as a potential true love.

If anyone reads this book, you are obligated to provide a full book report here!

Sultry Sunday #33 - The (at one time) weekly "Pop Sensation" crossover

I used to post stuff here. Not sure why I stopped. I'm starting again. Maughta sent me some cheesy Rex Stout pbs in the mail, so maybe I'll snark those in the near future. Til then, this ~RP

Title: False to Any Man (Bantam 80, 2nd ptg, 1947)
Author: Leslie Ford
Cover artist: "Kohs"

• When the Bride of Frankenstein sleeps, she dreams of the facades of junior high schools.
• I sort of like the torn cover effect, but the rest — it's both nonsensical and ugly. The color scheme alone is a nightmare.
• "Colonel Primrose" already sounds like someone I'd like to kick in the balls.

• If only this book were about a "gimlet-eyed" cat.
• Always sad when the original cover is light years better, design-wise, than the paperback.

Page 123~

"He sure am smart, ain' he?" William said, with quite genuine enthusiasm.

In case you were still entertaining some idea of actually reading anything written by this woman...

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]

Unemployed? Broke?

Feeling a little short on cash at the end of the month? Check out this book -- it'll truly change your life.

I stole this from Monday's Fail Blog. I couldn't find any evidence that it's a real book, but it made me laugh. I hope it brightens your day too.

Where's Waldo?

Hell hath no fury like a cover artist apparently told to capture a scene from each chapter of the book! Yikes! There is so much going on in this picture that I'm too tired from looking at it to read the book!

The Phuture is Phallic!

Happy New Year, Judge a Book readers (at least those who use the Gregorian Calendar!). From Shushie:

This book isn't awful, just outdated now at 30 years old. It was briefly mentioned this morning on CBS's Sunday Morning show as part of a 30 year retrospective comparing technology then and now, but of course I had to check and I was certainly surprised to see how several public libraries still hold this title as part of their collection -- hopefully in a special section for discussion or nostalgic purposes only considering that in history according to this book:

- Between 1980 and 1990 household computers cooked our meals and kept a diary for the people living in the house; the first domestic robots were used as household "slaves" to do simple tasks; energy saving features were built into all new houses; and the world tree planting programme had begun.

- Between 1991 and 2000 the household computer now ran the robot slaves to do most work formerly done by the human housewife so that women could go to work or spend their time on leisure activities; we all started talking on wrist-radios; and the USSR launched its "cosmic greenhouse" as part of its space station complex which helped further the design of future space cities.

Yeah, but all I see are phalluses!




Penis in Spaaaaaaaaaaace!

I (BikerPuppy) am a single woman hoping to eventually find the man of my dreams. That's why I make fun of the romance novels -- because I'm jealous that they portray as obtainable what I've been so far unable to obtain. This is not for lack of trying, but where does a professional woman meet a suitable man in this day and age? Bars? No, I'm not 22. Book stores? Hasn't worked so far. Dog parks? You'd think this would work, but the men I meet there are married or gay, without exception. That leaves internet dating, which I'm in the process of trying, with mixed results.

However, the cover of Hamilton's book illustrates the danger we face as single women (I guess men face the same danger) looking for love online. It's easy and safe to talk and flirt online and on the phone, but eventually you're going to meet in person. You never know what you're going to get. Fortunately for me, I've never had anyone show up with a razor blade (or at least not one that they've shown to me), but I've had guys show up who are clearly 15 years older than their pictures, who are now covered in tattoos (when their pics showed unmarked skin), or who think it's ok to show up for a first date in ripped or dirty clothing. I guess, given the razor blade alternative, I should be content.


Thanks, Flirt cover artist -- you've scared me into closing my Match.com account and trying Plan B.

Burnsie--Secret Agent Book Cover Critic

My dear friend, the director of the S-town library, gave me a beautiful Channukah gift of this book (people see crazy covers and they think of me, go figure!).


My cover was a little different. Apparently my dog objected strongly, because before I could take a picture to upload to share with all you fine book cover critics, he did this:


Secret Agent Burnsie strikes again! Guess hydrocephalic cats freak him out, too.

p.s. 'Cause he's just so cute, here's a pic of the perpetrator (and his co-conspirator, Phoebe):

A new twist on an old dull...

I've never been a fan of Jane Austen's novels. I don't dispute their literary value or their appeal to millions of readers, but I've always found them dull and lifeless, with equally lifeless characters.

But THIS version...! These are undead lifeless characters! I may have to check this one out!

There's a theme here, but I just can't figure out what it is....

Is it just me or does Jim Butcher's cover artist have a thing for men holding swords and staves?

Ick

I know we're in a period of popular culture where vampires are all the rage, so it's no surprise that there are a lot of vampire stories out there. And I know that people have their fetishes, so stories (or book covers) depicting a little light S&M don't really shock me either. But this one just grosses me out. If I were her, the second I felt that icky drip hit my lips, I'd scream the secret safe word ("Dolphin!!") and demand to be untied. Then I'd run far, far away.

Does anyone find this cover (as a whole) appealing? I know our male readers will enjoy the main image, but really, when you add in the bloody cherry.... Or maybe that's the subtext?!?! She just lost her virginity! Still. Ewwwww.

Love is in the Air....

It's Christmastime, and along with the smell of freshly baked cookies and the twinkle of lights under a blanket of fresh-fallen snow, love is a sign of the season. So let's celebrate true love, Judge A Book style!

I admit it. I'm a hopeless romantic. Despite hating most chick flicks (I make my dates very happy, because I'd much rather see the new sci fi flick than the new romantic comedy), I really love seeing the hero and heroine get together at the end of an adventure. It warms my (otherwise bitter) heart. In fact, the idea of "together forever" is something to which I actually aspire. I really think, though, that I'd prefer the chance of eventually splitting if "together forever" means being permanently encased in a block of ice. Ouch. Ever kissed someone when the temp is sub-zero? It's a bit like licking a lamp-post in the winter. I especially don't recommend it when you're frozen solid in a huge ice cube.



On the other extreme, we have this couple. Being that it's Harlequin, I can easily predict the story and even the dialog. Story: Woman has misfortune and ends up in sad, unfamiliar surroundings. Woman meets man who seems dark and mysterious and she takes an instant dislike to him. After he saves her life or her chastity from someone truly evil, her dislike turns to passion, although she fights it. Eventually, she gives in and gives herself to him, body and soul. Dialog: "Darling, I want to be with you forever. You make me feel so safe and loved." "I feel the same way, my love. You light a fire in me. In fact, I can feel it burning me up inside. Seriously, it feels like it's burning me up outside. Oh my God, I'm actually on fire!!!!"

A brief Phriday greeting

Awww, what a sweet little book about a pre-pubescent girl and her d... what in the name of all that is good and true are all those penises doing behind her?? It's like an invading army, led by the, er, "tower" in the middle!








That's not a stone he's holding.













More like "Dead Eye" -- but I think they just wanted to get "long" in the title.

Hump Day, Paranormal Edition

Hey, y'all. So I asked all my fans on ye olde facebook today what theme we should have for Wednesdays and Ashley V came through with a winner.

Presenting Hump Wednesday, a day for taking aim at all those cookie cutter romances that litter the grocery store book aisle.*

Today's target is paranormal romances.


Wow, there's a lot of crap going on. Ice, weird tribal tattoo things, some sort of gate, and a whole lot of words. You think with all this going on, they could give some thought to our heroine, rather than making her look like some kind of albino stripper. Oh, wait, is she the vamp? That makes sense to me!



As Twilight has taught us, stalkers are sexy. Especially ones with big poofy lips and explody-hands. Quick poll: would you read a romance that called the hero a "stalker"? Nope, me neither.

Are they transparent? They're transparent, aren't they. Sex'd be a bit more interesting if you could evanesce, wouldn't it? No more cuddling or awkward "relationship" convos anymore!

*no offense meant to the authors of these books, I know they work hard and are cooler than I!

Mammary Monday...Now Put it Away

Hmmm, I wonder what this book is about.



I hope that's the author picture!



(Thanks, Adam, now put your eyes back in your head!)

A quick interruption

Hi y'all,

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Carry on.