Because I love you.

Got this e-mail just now which said, simply, "Holyshitfuckdamnballsawesome!" Well, I had to go to that link, right??

Thanks, Rima! (As she said: "That's right. Nazi dwarfs with whips. You're welcome.") And thank you, Bookdwarf!

p.s. lost my 'berry job. Am not feelin' the funneh. Will try to persist for the sake of you, my beautiful fans! I love you guys!!!


Dying for an elevator!

This cover makes me tired. Is there really a building in existence with this many stairs?? I would pass out and die bringing home groceries (imagine lugging a gallon of milk and a 12 pack of soda up this staircase!). In fact, I'd probably stay at a hotel most nights to avoid the stairs. Well, actually, recognizing my own limitations (read: laziness), I'd NEVER get an apartment in such a building. It reminds me of the staircase in the apartment in Glasgow that the characters of Shallow Grave shared.

You can sort of see it in the bottom half of this movie poster.

But that was only probably 3 floors. This looks like 15 or so.

Also, does it seem to anyone else that the "Mary Jane Clark" font is strikingly similar to the font used for Mary Higgins Clark's books? Such as:

Just sayin'....


Five Reasons

Five Reasons Maughta Shouldn't Be Allowed at the Friends of the Library Book Sale:

Reason #5: Cucumber Eyes

Reason #4: Floating red monks with penis caps

Reason #3: Books we've seen before with even more frightening covers!

Reason #2: Women peeling off their breasts and finding...um...other breasts underneath!

And phinally, Reason #1: NO PHALLUS PHOR PHALLIC PHRIDAY!!!!


Pay no Attention

This is not about the cat. The cat is not the thing on the cover about which I've chosen to blog today. I know that the cat is TOTALLY FREAKY!, and kinda glows, and I know that I'm gonna see those eyes in MY FUCKING NIGHTMARES, but this is not about the cat.

This is about the M.C. Esheresque Stonehenge that's in the background. That thing cannot possibly exist if we're operating inside the laws of physics. Learn some perspective!

Okay, you caught me. This is totally about the cat.


Calling a spade a spade, er...

Finally! A book cover admits it all! The gun really isn't a gun, it's ... um ... his "gun"....

Ok, ok, I'm cheating. This is actually from a collection of spoof book covers at http://www.examiner.com/x-562-Book-Examiner~y2009m5d19-Top-20-funniest-spoof-book-covers.

Quite hilarious. This one and Horton Hires a Ho really cracked me up.



Mammary Monday Sneaks One In

Putting aside the big phallicy things in the background (Devil's Tower, a twister, AND broken penis towers? Overkill!), and the super-cheesy superhero getup, I have one question for you, dear Judge a Book readers, my only friends, my dear ones...

Are those nipples???



So yesterday I'm helping Maughta with her off-day book processing at the county library where she works (on holidays [Happy 4th!] they send some schlub in to go through the book drop so it doesn't get overloaded by the time the library opens again), and I come across this horrif...I mean...charming little number for the kiddoes:
...Dum dee dum dee GAAAAAAH!

In 1949 the great psychologist and evolutionary biologist Konrad Lorenz speculated that human nurturing instincts are triggered by infantile features, including heads that are large in proportion to the body, but COME ON, there's something to be said about too much of a good thing. Methinks Word Bird (the blue one on the right) must have one helluva chronic neck ache. That's an acre or two of prime real estate up top. And the duck ain't doin' so well herself.

A more recent edition of this classic has reduced our heroes' heads to a more manageable size:

Sadly it's also done away with the whimsical '70s font and border stylage that made the original cover so much more friendly and inviting. The new one, while assuaging my worry over Word Bird's chiropractic bill, seems cold and clinical in comparison with its older version. Or maybe I'm just instinctively drawn by Word Bird's ginormous noggin.


Phallic Phriday Early phor the Phorth

So I have tomorrow off, which means that Phallic Phriday is coming a little early. *giggle*

Say you were a book publisher, or editor, or whomsoever it is who makes the call on covers, and you're thinking to yourself, "Self, how can I get my cover on Judge a Book? Perhaps I should have a subtle (or not so subtle) pun in the title? And have a naked hero on the cover caressing his naked sword in such a way to suggest that he's into autoeroticism? Maybe that'll get me noticed in the blogosphere?"

Well guess what, Mr(s) book editor/publisher/guru, your wish is granted! Happy Phorth from Maughta.


Pop Sensation Contest: "PAPERBACK 250"

Cross-posted from "Pop Sensation"

Welcome to "Pop Sensation"'s "PAPERBACK 250 CONTEST"
[see Contest Rules, below]

Paperback 250: Bantam 718 (1st ptg, 1949)

Title: Death Warmed Over
Author: Mary Collins
Cover artist: Gilbert Fullington

Contest Rules:

  • Best comment or caption in 140 characters (or fewer) wins not only this book, but Paperbacks 251 and 252 as well.
  • Contest will run from now until 8 a.m. EDT, Friday, July 3, 2009.
  • One entry per contestant, please.
  • Contestants are encouraged to submit entries as Tweets on Twitter (@rexparker), but emails to rexparker [at] mac [dot] com will also be accepted (please send any questions about contest to that email address as well).
  • Keep in mind that a "character" is any single letter, punctuation mark, or blank space. Concision is your friend. But feel free to get creative with the abbreviations.
  • Comments will be disabled for the duration of the contest.
  • Winner and first and second runners-up will be announced by noon Friday, at which time the best entries (and possibly all entries, depending on how many there are) will be posted for all to see.

Your Panel of Judges:


  • Grand Prize: Paperbacks 250, 251, and 252
  • 1st Runner-up: two cool but very beat-up paperbacks from outside my official collection + 1 copy of the recent comic "Barack the Barbarian"
  • 2nd Runner-up: one cool but very beat-up paperback from outside my official collection + 1 copy of the recent comic "Barack the Barbarian"

Best of luck, and tell a friend...


[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]